I’d say;  “Dear heart of mine, dear, dear, sweet, handsome boy.  Sweet heart, darling Jude:

Boys, take note, YOU can’t afford five babies like Jude, wear condoms.

STOP GETTING WOMEN PREGNANT ALL OVER THE BLOODY PLACE. *siiiiiiigggghhhhhhhh

Did your mother never give you ‘the chat’, when you were a  wee small boy?  For Heaven’s sakes above!   It is not true that if you wish hard enough little, tiny love fairies, take care of this stuff, it really isn’t.  They don’t come  a-fluttering, undetected, to form a protective barrier with their gossamer wings, in the fou fou of your paramour.  You have the reproductive potency of an Exocet Missile; fairy wings are not going to cut it.  Trust me.

CON. DOMS.  *hefty sigh

Now, of course I perfectly understand that there is a desperate need to propagate those absolutely, let’s not beat about the bush (er heerrrm) here, ‘sent from the skies above, breathtakingly beautiful‘ genes, but COME ON…… *arms folded, sigh. Again.  Darling, Darling, Darling, you now have four and a half children, with three different mothers in England, America and now Ireland.  Good Lord, if you weren’t Jude Law, the Daily Mail would be on you like a tonne of bricks, you’re exactly the type person they love to tear apart.  They’d be calling you for everything. (Who knows, maybe they still will.)

I’m proud that you say you are ‘wholeheartedly committed to raising‘ the new baby, but with your career, your thousands of other children, and your general, Man about Town commitments, how will that be physically possible, without the use of a handy Tardis?

So, with a lot of love in my heart, I say this, “Please get the snip”, or at the very least, wear sixteen condoms, absolutely EVERY SINGLE TIME you climb into bed with a new woman (or an old one).

Do it for your Aunty Anne.

Love xxx”