Reasons why I don’t have kids #69

One word. IKEA. Why people, why? IKEA is not a multi-generational trip out. Seriously, ever wondered why you never see it listed alongside Port Aventura, the Aquarium and the city tour bus in the guides? Grandmas/pas, mas/pas and little ones, like a slow-moving caravan, travelling along the path to fulfilment (generic wall art). Or worse, […]

Who, being loved, is poor?

Who indeed.  And who was it who said this?  Why, the inimitable Mr Wilde of course, and as always; he was completely right.  Except not about actual poor people, with or without love they are really, as in the dictionary definition; poor.  No amount of trying to beam amour from your eyes intensely into the […]

How to Be a Nice Sh*thead, Part II

OK chaps, here’s the thing……..  I’m going to impart some wisdom atcha, just for you menfolk, ‘coz I loves ya.  And hopefully to improve your chances of getting laid.  Because I care about your layage and your penis, too.  Maybe not quite so much as you do, quite honestly, but the sentiment is there.  I’m […]

The year so far

Well.  It’s not been the best one has it? I spent hours yesterday, writing a post here, that will never see the light of day.  I decided today, that I did not want to dedícate any space, to the heinous few responsible for the chaos in France over the last few days.  Instead to the huge […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #38

I would be in a perpetual cycle of bankruptcy (round about this time every year), and recovery (the rest of the year, until Christmas again), until they left home.  Or I died of poordom.   Whichever happened to come first.  My money’s on the latter. But more likely, is that I would buckle under the pressure, […]

If I was Russell Brand’s aunt

Originally posted on The Secret Diary of Anne Pank:
I’d play a game of ‘Let’s see who can stay quiet, the longest’. Russell, sweetheart, it’s time to stop talking. One must know how to recognise that moment when it comes, and accept it. And more than that, one must know one’s limits. And you have…

My dad is not a well man

My Dad, the ‘character’, has had a bad year.  Well, more than just one to be honest, but this one in particular.  He’s seventy-two, so of course, things are beginning to break down and not work properly.  Not a huge surprise, some might say, for a man who smoked from the age of fourteen, until his […]

The worst thing about being single is…..

the people who don’t believe you when you say, “Yeah, I’m good thanks!”  Because, that just ain’t (right) possible. I can’t remember exactly why I was talking about it recently, when I explained that I hadn’t had a date, since ‘Hot Frenchie February’, but my companion’s complete 1) disbelief, and 2) incredulity, then 3) pity, was palpable.  […]