I’ve always loved this time of year the most: the smells, the colours, the pleasure of digging out your knitwear and boots.  Less so here, as it’s still twenty-three degrees – but you get the idea.  It’s always felt like a new leaf turning over, more so than Spring for me.  I like the idea of death.  You go, my inner Emo!  *high fives self*. Go on!  Bury the shit outta that old crap – stuff you don’t need, habits, clothes, things you don’t use.  I usually have a big clear out and massively enjoy nesting a little bit, ready for the onset of winter.  Which is a very romantic way of saying, ‘doesn’t do any lady maintenance and lives in trackies for foreseeable future’.


This year it coincides, coincidentally, with the signing of a contract for a new flat here in Barcelona.  Bye bye, ladies of the night, drug dealers and five am revellers.  As much as I love you all, and I really do, it’s time for us to part ways.  Bye bye human poo on my doorstep at seven am, six month stalker nightmare and the heady aroma of pungent piss at the height of summer – (all year round actually, but the heat doesn’t help).  As for you lot,  you can all fuck all the way off.  To Hell, and back.

Hello leafy lane, dog park and children’s play area….. I’ll be the weirdo, silently hanging around by the dogs. 

Also, I’ve been cleared out. Of my partner’s life, a mere two weeks before we reached our first year together.  I was so ridiculously excited about this relationship, such good feelings from the outset.  So kind, sweet, tactile, handsome, generous and funny…….. too good to be true, one might say.  And also about arriving at this milestone, finally proving to myself that I’m not a complete fuck-up, I can hold down a relationship and am capable of the whole love thing (resists making self puke).  But nope.  Don’t be bloody ridiculous PANK, How long have you known you?  I piddy da FOO who believes in love!!!  The best plan has always been the ‘be single plan’, it’s easier to be single.  It’s always been easier to be single.  What have I told you about sticking to the plan, Anne?

(Make ’em laugh Annie, that’s the way to cope. Get a laugh to soften the blow.  Truth be told, I’m heartbroken, I honestly thought that this one had real potential to be something special, to go the distance; and I’m sad that he’s not sharing this with me.)

So anyways…… moving swiftly on, as I do at the mere whiff of heartfelt emotions – Autumn: all the deaths of everything, literally.  Home, things, shit seventies furniture, relationship.  There were things ‘he didn’t like’, but would not explain. Mysterious things, things that I will never know. Things. Stuff. Stuff and things with no name. So I have something super concrete to work with when I go to the shrink next week.  Thanks love. 

AP:  “So apparently I have things people don’t like, which I’d like to talk about.”

Shrink: “Great.  Tell me about them.”

AP:  “I would if I knew, but they must remain a mystery. I think I might be on a mission quest that I’m not actually aware of.”

Shrink: “Hhhhmmmm. Ok.”

AP:  “What can I do to improve these ‘things’?”

Shrink: “Don’t do the ‘things‘. Or, be better at the ‘things‘?  Honestly, I’m not quite sure.”

AP: “Great! Thanks Doc.”

Shrink: “Excellent work Anne! See you in two weeks.”

I’ve been a nervous wreck. Shaking, painfully thirsty, distracted, I’ve lost three kilos and can’t eat – (silver lining.  Always a silver lining).  Thank you BreakUpDiet ©AnnePANK 2017, seriously, I should be your brand ambassador.  

And then, there was the flat.  Until I got the contract signed and those keys in my hot little hand, I couldn’t rest….. (and how strange it was to go to the office with my brand new ex and pretend to still be a couple, to seal the deal.  So I must thank him for that.  Our names are there together for the next three years, how romantic.  And desperately sad). I was literally counting down the seconds. And now, as Shakespeare once said – “my leaf will truly turneth over”. Or something.  So, thank all the Gods for the little, new flat with no memories or history, in a nice part of town, full of light…… and on the fifth floor with no lift. 

So, buns of steel too; daily cardio without the gym subscription?!  What’s not to absolutely love about that?!


5 thoughts on “Autumn

  1. Anne you write brilliantly about your life. So vibrant, so humorous and yet serious and sad. You are a natural storyteller and I could read you all day long. Deeply sorry your relationship didn’t last. You sound like a beautiful intelligent woman with so much love to give. CP x

  2. Love you Auntie Anne.
    But some new shoes, Flash them emerald eyes and look ahead. I’m sure this world has great things in store for you.

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