As you get older, things start to change considerably and you start to notice a shift in lots of areas of life, like for example flexibility (OR lack there of, see ‘Things I learnt in 2013‘), the ability to bounce back from a mega tequila session-now approximately 14 weeks, three days and two and a half hours, grey hair, wrinkles and most notably, the demographic of men who suddenly find you irresistibly attractive.
For me, I’m very, very lucky, my choices are rich and endless. There are the old boys for example, with an average age of 82, or, to give you a better perspective, a combined age of 533, a bit like the Rolling Stones. These are the ones who think they’re giving you that same cheeky eye they gave the chicas in Buenos Aires, way back when they had hair, that now sadly, is just an eggy-eyed squint. They’re adorable and I love listening to their stories but…… To them, hilariously, I’m the hot young thing!!
Then you have the spitty, toothless ones. These are my very, absolute favourites! The ‘gentleman’ in question last night looked like he might not have even clapped eyes on a shower in at least a decade, had two teeth in his head and was making his way along with the unmistakable ‘smack shuffle’. If he’d had a dog on a string too, completely irresistible!!!! Bin men, street cleaners, men on scaffolding (not exclusively mine to claim), in vans, thieves and tramps. Or wait, are those the ones I fancy????
On the completely other end of the scale, you have the boys. Cheeky, bold, brave, young, young boys who like a MILF, but in my case without the M. I’m a PILF! Although my friends and I high five each others’ achievements when 20somethings chat us up, there is something stomach-churningly wrong about perving a man you quite possibly could have passed through your birth canal.
THAT, my friends, is the greatest form of contraception.
With those deliciously tempting choices I think I’ll stay single……