line them all up, like they do before a match and walk along, give them the pity face and silently hug them all tightly to my breast. And I’d really mean it. There might even be hair stroking and face cupping.

Then I would hand them all a gift-wrapped DVD of a Germany training video and say, “watch and learn. You cannot succeed on rested laurels and hype dear hearts, and the lauded skills of a lone twenty-two year old. (Cute as he may be).”

Complete and utter humiliation is never a pleasant thing to experience.