……….what was the point of you. I didn’t, still don’t understand it. Any of it. I really I don’t.
I’m just going to come out and say it. Here goes……
I’m quite glad that Zayn Malik dropped the bombshell back in March, that signalled the beginning of the end of the most successful boy band in pop history. There. (Cue, a thousand hate messages.) So bored was I of hearing/seeing all the newses, all the days, about ab. so. lute. ly. diddly squat.
I simply can’t wait until there is a day when I am climbing into my bed in the dead of the night (10pm, with a warm drink and a good book), and I suddenly realise: ‘you know, I think that day passed, and I didn’t actually see a single One Direction story mentioned in the press‘. And by that I mean, a ‘who’s Harry boned/Louis impregnated/Zayn pissed off now?’ story.
Look, here’s the thing. There has to be something about you bandy types, there has to be a twinkle in the eye, a knowing half smile, something. This lot look like the stragglers the school bus left behind. About as lively as the eyes of a dead shark.
You know how pop bands work guys, both female and male bands, we all know. There’s someone in the group to suit all tastes. Am I right, or am I right? Beatles: John-sensitive spiritual thinker, Paul-cheeky chappy, George-sensible glue that holds it together, Ringo-______ , er herm, Ringo-_______ , er herm……. yeah, Ringo. Spice Girls: Posh-posh, Sporty-sporty, Scary-scary, Baby-…..cute (careful there), Ginger-well, ginger. They did what they said on the tin. Girls Aloud, Take That and dare I say it, even Boyzone/Backstreet Boys/a gazillion others that AREN’T One Direction.
And then you have One Direction: Zayn-handsome, granted and…… ummm, Louis-got a groupie pregnant and…… ummm, Harry (ironically the MOST POPULAR)-looks like he’s missing a vital chromosome and…… ummmmmmmmmmmm (this uuummmm to infinity, because he really puzzles me as a human being creature). The only time I’ve seen something more vacant, was when I viewed my current flat. And…….eeeerrrrrrrr; the other two. And watch them in interview, it’s like Beavis and Butthead in stereo + 1. Watching paint dry is ultimately more satisfying.
They look like how your friend, who’s a teacher, might describe a typical day in their nursery class. Like a couple were over-excitedly cracked up on Haribo and Coca Cola, one drew on themselves and the walls and everyone and everything, one pulled their pants down and mooned, one shouted at the top their voice, constantly, until they turned blue and threw up (or someone, anyone paid attention), one had a mega tantrum and stamped his feet and pouted and the other, not sure what the Hell was going on, grinned inanely (that one’s Harry, btw). Vapid.
Who, WHO (adult, grown-up ladies, I am looking directly at you here), who looks at that and sees something interesting or attractive?? And I can only just about forgive the teenagers for their rampant hormonal obsession……
And so it is, with a little spring in my step, and a (good) song in my heart, maybe by someone like Brandon Flowers, I say fare thee well One Direction, RIP OD, God bless you and all who sailed in you, and there were a few.
Not least of all Simon Cowell, he sailed in you good and proper.
Good luck for the future.
Hugs and kisses
Annie P xx