You’ve changed my life, (and probably the lives of millions, around the world), but let’s not talk about them. I want to think that I’m your special one.
I can’t thank you enough, for the things you’ve introduced me to that I might never have experienced, had I not met you. From the moment we connected last year, there’s been so much fun. Oh, the japes. The deeply moving, philosophical words that accompany the photos of beer-chugging, goofy-glasses wearing, double-thumbs-up, globally significant monument star jumps, have made me guffaw while walking around the streets. But I don’t care about the stares of passers-by, because you make me laugh every day.
Without you, I might never have known what true confidence looks like. Raise that camera high above your head, take a photo down your top, show your breasts to strangers!! You are beautiful, and don’t you forget it. Pull your boxers right down to your pubic hair (but obscure your face, always obscure your face), rub your barely hidden p*nis until it’s hard, and take a mirror selfie of those killer abs you’ve been working hard on. Because it’s the abs you’re proud of. And why not snap yourself having sex. We are all beautiful. Sex is beautiful. Don’t hide. I see that now.
You’ve opened my mind to so much too. I just never imagined that blatant extra-marital affairs and threesomes (or moresomes) and sex parties and swinging, are all perfectly healthy pastimes for couples. And how many couples? Who knew! As long as you’re open and honest, (to everyone except your partner, in that first one) – it’s all good. I’ve lived such a sheltered life. You’re the Michael Hutchence to my Kylie.
You’ve shown me that there’s enough love for everyone in this world, even if you’re a werewolf or a vampire. I thought these were only figments of someone’s imagination, but they’re not, they exist. I’ve seen them. The photos of Diego, 44, fangs/fierce face – looking for love, George, 36, growling, aggressive posturing, blades for fingers – looking for someone to share life’s treasures. Because that’s not at all scary.
But of course as with any relationship, it’s always bitter-sweet. I’ve reached levels of disappointment with you, that I didn’t know existed. There have been days when the level of anticipation has been enormous. When I have shown that I wanted to see you, and for that split second of waiting for the swiping confirmation of your desire to see me too, and it didn’t come. As if romantic life wasn’t disappointing enough, your sometime lack of interest was crushing.
And so at Christmas, I made a decision to end our relationship. The rollercoaster ride we’d had for the best part of twelve months, was over. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you sometimes Tinder, it’s been very quiet without you these last few weeks. And so I say:
Thank you for the good times, and the bad (they’ve actually been the ones that provided the best times, in a loosely Schrödinger’s cat way), they’ve given me bitchin’ stories to tell. The laughs and the fun and the unsolicited d*ck picks. Who else could offer all that in one place…… Thank you Tinder, thank you.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
LOVE and LOVELINESS
p.s. And mostly, thank you for Vladimir from Montenegro who I chatted to while he was passing through Barcelona on his travels and whose name and brooding, dark good looks, fiercely fuelled my swashbuckling musketeer fantasy………