Because apparently, these days it’s not ok to say no to kids, because they ‘get sad’.  Well, you know what junior, y’all betta man up,  coz that’s the way the world works….. (uum sorry, I don’t know what came over me.  Oh wait, yes I do – non-motherness).

They say you’re never too old to learn (or something), and I’ve learnt quite a lot about myself these last couple of weeks.  Namely that not having kids has spared some poor young souls, at least eighteen years of an absolute living hell with a five foot nothing Kim Jong-Un with boobs.  So, it would appear, that not having them (the kids not the boobs), was absolutely without a shadow of a doubt, the right decision in my life.

A rare photo of me smiling

It transpires that I would not be suited to modern-day motherhood.  At ALL.  Nope, no siree, not one teeny tiny bit.  Wow!  Quelle surprise you chime….. (but not really because from my musings over the last few years, you have come to know me somewhat, and know it to be true).  I have mentioned in a former post, that the demands of twenty-first century kids would be way beyond my reach.  Primarily financially, and then more importantly: because it appears that I am a complete ogre.  A tiny tyrant in heels.  This, I have discovered, is because the word ‘no‘ exists in my vocabulary.  Oh. My. God.  And also that I believe that helping your parents, learning about responsibility and not always getting what you want, are good things that help you to eventually grow into a half-way decent human being for the future.

But you know, what do I know?

Speaking with various folk this week, I have come to realise, maybe with horror, that I am very much a product of my father’s parenting style (without the fear factor).  That, once something has been said or agreed, it’s not too difficult to stick to it. But I discovered, by all accounts this is completely wrong.  NO! Parents, if you are reading this now, whatever you do, do NOT do that, at any cost, for it is tantamount to torture.  I would most definitely have social services knocking on the door, investigating claims of cruelty.  Why?  Because I said you can’t have the latest iPhone because yours works just fine.  You need to take responsibility for your actions.  I am not always available at your whim.  And helping you learn about the world, sometimes involves the following sentence, “I’m sorry, but it’s just not possible. You’ll have to find a solution/wait/do without.“

I know, absolutely BRUTAL, right?  What a f*cking heartless bitch.

So, men of the world, thank yourselves lucky I never wanted to breed with you, because you might just have ended up with a bunch of emotionally damaged children on your hands. For the rest of your days on this planet, (because mama was a cow and you didn’t have the cojones to back her up).

No really, no need to thank me – you’re welcome.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #64.

As an aside: if you really want to thank me, feel free to pm me for address details – to send gifts of flowers/chocolates/diamonds.

Fanx