…extremely slowly. Never mind the slow-food revolution, I’m pioneering the slow-life movement. And when I say movement, I really mean a very gentle amble.

When they say, don’t sweat the small stuff, you can guarantee I’m ‘glowing’ profusely pretty much all time. Progress is PANK speak for the smallest of things – paying a bill, filing your tax return, (or your nails), wiping down that particularly dusty shelf. It literally took me two weeks of passing it and saying, ‘I really must wipe down that very dusty shelf’, to actually wipe down the very dusty shelf. Getting out of bed at the weekend – one small step for man, one giant leap for PANKind.

Accompanied by much heavy exhaling and eye rolling, I grudgingly fired up the old laptop and trawled through my bank statements of 2018, composed an email with the details of my expenditure and sent it off. You’d think a pharaoh had casually asked me to fetch another two tonne block for Giza. It really wasn’t such a big deal and actually only took me an hour. Could have done that at the end of a March as per, but the thought really bloody annoyed me. Why? Because it was time spent out of sitting on my ass on the balcony, or sitting on my ass bingeing Mad Men. Do you mind, very much? I am sitting on my arse. Good day to you, sir!

Bank account brain, ‘But there may be a rebate in it for you.’

Sitting on my ass brain, ‘You think I don’t know that?’

Funny thing is, filing a tax return is an ass-sitty job.

With the same level of enthusiasm, I did a supermarket shop. You’d be forgiven for thinking I’d be more animated about feeding myself in order to stay alive. You’d also be forgiven for assuming that I would be a svelte example of ladydom with that attitude. Your honour, I refer you to exhibit a), previous blog post – pit pony reference.

I can’t blame the heat either as it’s been pretty chilly here, relatively speaking.

The joyful thing (always a silver lining, guys, always a silver lining) about finding these mundane, everyday tasks such an upheaval, is that once they are done, you can legitimately reward yourself. I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit for the things we achieve every day, because we all think that they are simple tasks that everyone else is managing effortlessly. So what we do is just get on as if nothing has happened because celebrating would appear churlish, when all the other grownups are keeping ten balls in the air. ^whispers^, they’re not. Those folk are one in a gazillion and good for them, but for the most part, we are winging adulting and don’t have a clue what’s going on.

So, give yourselves that pat on the back, bar of chocolate, a pair of shoes, a holiday. Why the hell not? It’s not always easy, the day to day, and for the rest of us mere mortals, the achievements we make are going to be real life, bill-paying, home-maintenance, keeping flowers/animals/kids alive. If you save all the celebrations for unseating Donald Trump or halting climate change – then your whole life will be spent waiting for the big one. Celebrate your contribution to those things instead – a vote for a progressive (somewhat normal, kind) individual. Make sure you recycle. Those things may seem small but they are a valuable contribution.

And with that in mind, after getting myself up, dressed and out and placing some examination papers in front of students all day – I’m going to pick up some sushi on the way home and pop out for a glass of something ice-cold later. I’ve earnt it.