Robot swimming summer jab: the Covid months pt. 15

I mean, what if we are nothing more than immensely sophisticated machines? Hear me out. My programmed obsolescence appears to have kicked in. It’s a thing. Hi, face (and the rest of me), let me introduce you to gravity. Oh yeah, back, hips, you can’t bend now. Quick, deploy emergency pigeon and puppy pose. Hell, […]

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Slowly quickly urgent fear: the Covid months pt. 14

It feels like an age since my birthday post. A little more than a month has passed since I turned fifty and I haven’t written anything here because I’ve been panic signing up for and participating in every writing and art course, workshop or IGLive/Zoom event available in a desperate bid to give myself purpose. […]

Chat maths equestrian dick: the Covid months, pt. 4

‘Uff, yes, this year has been terrible. Especially for a man like me, who is very sexual.’ In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, ^Big sigh. Huge^. I may be paraphrasing. Yes. Yes, I’m absolutely sure it’s been an awful time for *checks notes* your penis. Just remind me, this is 2020, right? […]

End of decade review

It’s a long one, strap in……. What. A. Decade. This time, ten years ago I was living with a man, managing a jazz festival in the north west of England and anticipating my oncoming forties with all the dread of a fever dream in which you are frozen to the spot as a juggernaut heads […]

For the love of sweet baby Jesus

What is with this heat? It’s not time….. Water is pouring out of every part of my body. What is happening? Why aren’t I smaller? Why this is hell, nor are am out of it….. I’m a bit hot. Scorching temperatures have arrived (it’s already 36 degrees) and are expected to increase in a freaky […]

Progress is a dish best served….

…extremely slowly. Never mind the slow-food revolution, I’m pioneering the slow-life movement. And when I say movement, I really mean a very gentle amble. When they say, don’t sweat the small stuff, you can guarantee I’m ‘glowing’ profusely pretty much all time. Progress is PANK speak for the smallest of things – paying a bill, […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #72

Taxi duties. As is documented quite well in this blog, I am a big fan of me time and relaxing at home. Like….. a big, big fan. BIG. ENORMOUS. It is also known that I possess a large array of ‘house trousers’, a term coined by my good friend MonkeySpangles over in the Twittersphere, an […]

You know I said….

…. a couple of weeks ago over at Twittersville, “I just fell in love”? Yeah, well – I already lost my erection. I was finishing up the latest batch of four Tinder contacts (romantic I know, but years of singledom and dating’ll do that to a woman), when I met with a man from out […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #71

They are little fun-stuff-queue-jumpers, and there’s nothing more annoying than that combination……. *harumphs a little*. Last weekend saw a visit from my brother and sister to celebrate a significant birthday. My sister and I planned and connived and successfully filled a weekend with fun and shenanigans for our brother, which included a visit to CosmoCaixa, […]

The good man refuge

I’m toying with the idea of adopting an animal. I’ve been looking for a few weeks at animal rescue shelters, and all I want is a masía so I can take in the saddest dog in the world, the twelve-year old abuela Frenchie and the one-eyed cat that survived a fire, and all their mates. […]