So the mating ritual continued, with much posturing, fluffing of feathers and displaying, only I didn’t like his plumage too much (or the idea of being kept as a sex slave in a shoe box – commandment 6 – before my axey/birdy death).  And still a drink didn’t arrive.

Bar etiquette, by Charlton Heston

Second installment, lessons six – ten.

Re: commandment five. Thou should not try to show off with the casual mention of one’s property in a salubrious neighbourhood,  if one’s property is not showey offey enough.  “Why don’t you come to my ‘house’ in Sitges?”  “Ah, do tell me about your ‘house’ in Sitges.”  “It’s 30m2″……… about big enough for one of those man-eating seagulls.

Thou shalt only try to impress someone thouest doesn’t know with the offer of a dance, if thou is sure of thou’s dance ability.  Don’t recoil in shock, when that someone turns round and says, “OK, I love to dance!!!”  Cue much shuffling of feet and mutterings of inability from lowly bowed head.

Thou shalt be brave and stray from the path of thou set chat-up/seduction routine.  It doesn’t work for everyone.

“Come to Sitges.”

“No.”

“I’ll cook you dinner with the finest produce.”

“No, take me for dinner.”

“No”

“Buy me a drink.”

“No, you have to come to Sitges”

“What?”

“Well, come to my house in Barcelona then and I’ll cook you dinner THERE with the finest produce.”

“No. You’re so adamant, I think you have a murdery master plan.”

“It’s my way or the high way.”

“What?  I’m very confused.”

Thou should not profess to have ‘fallen in love’ with someone and follow it up with, “It’s my way, or the high way.” (See above).  Let’s refresh our memories here, YOU’RE hitting on ME, so actually, it’s MY way………… (and let’s be clear, this is not about love dude)

*Thou shalt never wear weird bright orange hover-trainer type thingies.  With red jeans.

The group of men we met on our night out, were actually incredibly sweet and good fun and we had a nice couple of hours chatting with them all.  But, when your own friends are hanging their heads in mock shame every time you open your mouth and put your strange footwear in there, it’s seriously time to rethink your strategy.

*That last one is really just my personal taste. I’m sure that there are some women out there who love that combination. Maybe.