Reasons why I don’t have kids #32

Cat burgling action mum

Cat burgling action mum

The child-minding bills would be huge, while I was ‘lost in Europe’ for a substanial amount of time, stealing impressive gems.  I’d have to rethink everything.

Imagine the scene.  I have a sneaking suspicion it’d be terribly difficult to find an Easyjet uniform in size age 8-9 years, thus causing all kinds of problems for the first stage my ‘diamond heist’ plans – getting off the plane in cognito.  Suspicions may be raised if the little girl dressed like a flight attendant was also sporting a rather fine beard, just like her older lady colleague; and I really don’t think it’s acceptable behaviour to carry a child off an aeroplane in a suitcase (albeit a 20 kilo beast with breathing holes), to avoid all this unecessary agro.

Children really don’t have great co-ordination.  FACT.  (Evidence includes smeary faces at meal times/trouble getting dressed/writing their signatures).  They also sometimes find it difficult to be quiet.  FACT. (Evidence: shouting.  All.  The. Time). Co-ordination and being quiet are both essential skills for sneaking, creeping and avoiding death by laser, which is always used as defense for important gems in the homes of ambassadors.  Who would probably be spoiling guests with giant towers of Ferrero Rocher, while I was simultaneously trying to crack safes and keep the kids under control, upstairs in the west wing.

Not only would they completely cramp my cat burglar style, I’d probably get locked up for ALL the wrong reasons afterwards, and that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #32.






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