Sitting in the bar chit chatting after our spa day, I was saying to my cousin how strange I found it that you don’t have to provide documents on arrival into EU countries, from other EU countries.

The first time I travelled from Spain to France, I was completely flummoxed when I didn’t have to show my passport on the way out. I simply followed the other exiting passengers in an unknown direction, to suddenly appear through some automatic doors to a waiting crowd, blinking in the glare of a hundred welcome committee smiles; like a totally showbiz lemming. I almost did my best jazz hands.

It made me think, that if you

should so wish, you could disappear within Europe quite easily, once you’d arrived at your initial destination. Then it made me think, this would be really rather useful, should you be in any way, inclined to dabble in some kind of criminal activity. Say, gem theft, for example. Obviously.

So, if this is the case, points to bear in mind are:

1) You must be travelling from your initial destination, on Easyjet, into Europe.
2) You must have been able to lay your hands on an Easyjet uniform.
3) Board plane as ordinary travelling person. (Maybe heading to a stag do/wedding/hen do etc.)
4) Disembark in manner of Easyjet staff after waving off passengers with your best, “Goodbye, thanks, goodbye, thanks.” (No passenger is ever going to say, “wasn’t that the woman sitting next to you?” And no member of staff is ever going to say, “who the Hell are you?”) Trust me.
5) Withdraw all your €207.63 from your account before you leave. You’re going to need that baby for hiring trains/planes/automobiles. And we don’t want to leave a paper trail of credit card bills, now do we?
6) Exit with other staff, people will connect you with the plane.
7) If not completely convinced the uniform is sufficient disguise, don a fake moustache. Foolproof.
8) You must leave by motorcycle, so go straight to the hire desk and get one. With cash. Shoot off a blaze of lurid orange.
9) Now you are free to criminate all over the European shop, with total freedom.

And then my cousin said, “Why are we dressed as Easyjet staff?” And I said, “That is a really good question.”

*back to the master criminal drawing board.