OK chaps, here’s the thing……..  I’m going to impart some wisdom atcha, just for you menfolk, ‘coz I loves ya.  And hopefully to improve your chances of getting laid.  Because I care about your layage and your penis, too.  Maybe not quite so much as you do, quite honestly, but the sentiment is there.  I’m just giving like that I guess.  Anne ‘Altruistic’ Pank, that’s me.  Because it seems to me (as it would also appear to a large percentage of the women I know), that this is all you want.  And so be it.  Such is life.  Es lo que hay (as we say over here).

But.  And it’s only a little teeny, tiny but:  all’s fair in love and war and all that, so you can’t really expect us to give you our most prized possession without anything in return, so here it is.  I hope you’re ready.  Yep?  Good.  Here goes:

Be NICE.

Be CHARMING.

Be POLITE.

Groundbreaking.

“Whaaaatttt??!!?!” I hear you cry in unison, “Are you f*cking CRAYZEEEEEEEE??” (Must be a lesbian).

Nope.  I am neither crazy nor a lesbian, but this could change.  Never say never.

I decided just after Christmas, to have a little look at a different dating app, called Happn.  Out of curiosity/boredom/boredom/………. boredom. **yawn.  Now, on first glance, I was quite impressed – I have to say.  The chaps seemed decent, interesting, good jobs, intelligent.  Check.  You had to both like each other before communication was allowed.  Check.  Hence no unintelligible crap from unwanted Neanderthal admirers. Check. Check. CHECK!

Then……… and it breaks my heart to say it here, the men started speaking.  Generally, that’s when it always falls down, but bear with me.  The first conversation I had was with a Respectable Looking Father in his Forties with a Job in a Law Firm.  (Use your imagination to hear this in Spanish.  And your actual Spanish, if you possess it.)

RLFFJLF:  Hello

Me: Hi

RLFFJLF:  what brings you to Happn?

Me:  boredom/idle curiosity

RLFFJLF:  Do you want sex?

Whoooooaaaa, that escalated quickly!

Okay, granted, I hadn’t noticed that my spell check had changed viajar (travel), to Viagra (not travel), so I could forgive this one.  He thought I loved the latter.

But, and I stress this, it is not okay to say the following.  NOT okay:

• And how is your body?
• Send me a picture of your body?
• Send me a picture of your body in a bikini.

And one of the brilliant women on Twitter, who I follow, recently received this corker, “Someone loves a big c*ck.”  Her comeback was epic, check her out @vitt2tnoc.  Sadly, it would appear pigness spans all countries, nationalities and ages. **sigh

I have never met this man.  Why, would I ever, in my right mind send naked photos of myself?  Don’t get me wrong, I, like Jennifer Lawrence (humour me), am not adverse to a little naked messaging on occasion ………. usually with a man I’m in a relationship with, I KNOW, and at the very least who’s seen me naked in real life first.  Okay, call me fickle.

I did have a fairly intelligent conversation with the bikini bloke, where I explained that I thought he was rude. He said, “but I’m just curious….” (horny devil face), which makes everything acceptable these days.  Like the word ‘banter’.

“F*ck you!” horny devil face, #topbantz

I’m just curious about a lot of things, like what salaries some of my students earn, how a close friend of mine takes care of his unruly thatch of hair, how they make sausages.  But I don’t hover around the ATMs at work, pop up in his bathroom and insist he take me through his daily haircare routine or stroll into a sausage factory, shouting enthusiastically, “Hiya, show us your frankfurters!”

I said I too was curious, as to whether or not he would say to a woman he met in person, “Can I see your tits?”, to which he was indignant.  And then I said, should we ever meet, I’d tell him to get his ‘polla’ out. (Yeah, beats me too, why they call man bits, ‘lady chicken’). He was shocked and offended.

After insisting ‘cheekily’ a few times more, he finally said, “Hey, I’m not disrespecting you!”  Yes my friend, you are.

These are acceptable things to say to a woman, you think you might like to have sex with:

Hi there!  ‘idle chit chat’

Maybe “you’re pretty/really attractive/Wow!”

More idle chit chat

Would you like to go for a coffee?

Would you like to go for a drink/dinner?

More idle chit chat

Oh, you’re job sounds interesting

I’d like to meet you, you seem cool (OK, OK, I’m in my forties!)

More idle chit chat

This, I approximate, takes the sum total of one whole minute.  Then, actually, meet us, speak to us, meet us again, speak to us some more, maybe a couple more times, be charming and polite, and do not ask to see our tits, or if we’re hot in a bikini.  No you can’t and yes we are.  This could realistically take three or four days….. sometimes, not even this, if you are lovely.

Even if your end goal lies firmly in the knicker area, or lack there of, your chances of getting lucky increase tenfold by following these simple steps.  Even if this thing is just a thing, (yes boys, us ladies can do THAT too), we still like a nice, polite charmer.  Not smarm or downright sleaze.

Try it, give it a couple of weeks of charmingness and let me know how you get on.  If I’m wrong, I’ll hold my hands up, throw the towel in and say, “Crap me, where’s the nearest convent?”

I’m going to sign out my account from Happn, and never look at anything like this ever again.  Even if the boredom is so bad, I contemplate gnawing my own arm off slowly, simply for the distraction.  But before I do, show us your polla! (Horny devil face) #topbantz