Reasons why I don’t have kids #52

After the events of the past couple of weeks, (no, I’m not talking about blah, blah Brexit, legend Ali passing away or rapists’ father and friends trying to garner sympathy for  the poor perpetrator who can’t eat steak anymore.  Just the kids vs wild animals sagas), I’ve realised that being a parent is costlier than anyone could possibly have imagined.
Apparently now, when you take your kids to the zoo, it’s imperative to have a full sniper team on stand-by, just on the off chance you drop the ball.  Dropping the ball being; taking your eye off your child long enough for them to effectively clamber through a fence and fall headlong into a gorilla enclosure, facing the very real possibility of being ripped limb from limb by a 400lb alpha male.  That’s almost THIRTY stone, to you and me.  Of pure, hairy muscle.  Mmmm, well accidents happen – quote, unquote gorilla pit boy mum. 


Over in Japan, the military was called out to look for a seven-year old boy who went missing for six nights, after his parents had left him (as a form of punishment) in a raging bear-infested forest. Like you do.  Apparently the annual budget for defence in Japan is $41.4 billion, divide that by twelve months then four weeks then a bajillion hours and a savage landscape…… well, it’s a big bill to have a hundred soldiers, and local police searching for a boy who was chucked out of the family car by his dad.  Yes, admittedly throwing rocks isn’t aces, but shit me, running the gauntlet in bear country is a hell of a way to teach him a lesson.
Apparently, to be a parent these days it’s de rigueur to include very real wild animal risk in your everyday family activities and secondly to have the firepower to take care of your kids in those situations, when ‘they get in to unfortunate scrapes’.

I’m a lowly English teacher, I could hardly afford the zoo entrance, never mind the security detail for one, let alone two or more children, and that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #52


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