2017 was the year I had a relationship.

And then I did not have a relationship.

The End.

Only joking! Lots of other stuff happened. Maybe not quite as important, but you know, you gotta be accommodating with these things. So let’s *begin the begin (as the late great Julio Iglesias once sang) – Is he dead? Or Cole Porter if you’re after a classier cover version. On the twentieth day of January, a strange man with a furry head growth, named Darth Trump (alarm bells should have been ringing people), was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America. And a world wept, not least because it showed us that the entire world’s education system was failing, if all those people could believe any word that came out of his tiny alien mouth. And also that a political system was failing, if the candidate with quite literally 2.9 million more votes, was the loser. But then we all clapped and cheered (and shouted at my telly), like lunatics when he was immediately hauled away in handcuffs for being a hateful c*nt. And an idiot. It’s in the 28th Amendment in the Constitution, which was introduced in the final days of the Obama administration. The country has been run since by a succession of aides who have done a marvellous job of replicating his idiocy, through the medium of Tweet. Also, America has been embroiled in numerous investigative situations involving very important acronyms like the FBI, CIA, MFI (remember them?), and I believe – DFS, and we’re waiting with baited breath to see if Darth Trump and his offspring, and quite literally everyone he knows, will go to prison. Because let’s face it, if he’s your mate, you’re a shifty bastard.

Meanwhile, over in Blighty, the crack negotiating team for Brexit was making excellent progress, by being paragons of professionalism. Having spent the months after the referendum getting their heads down, buried in a mountain of in-depth research (see photo), they sailed through the first round of talks and didn’t embarrass the country once. *stands up and salutes, while God Save the Queen plays in the background*.

On a very serious note, sadly as we have come to expect, there was a slew of violent and fatal attacks around the globe, committed by perpetrators of every colour and religion. But we still failed to simply condemn violence instead of particular groups. The Las Vegas mass shooting, for example, which left fifty eight dead and five hundred and forty six injured, was the deadliest committed by an individual in the United States: but you know – Muslim ban.

Horrific, freak weather also wreaked havoc across the globe, causing abject devastation to some communities. But thankfully some super-learned politicians in America, who are so clever they don’t even need to believe in science – explained to the rest of the world, the root of the problem. The gays. So that was cleared up nicely too and we all moved on, but kept our eyes open for sequins and feathers and awesome seventies disco, in order to take cover in case the rains came.

Time’s Person of the Year, was in fact many people, who had finally broken their silence about sexual misconduct, harassment and abuse they had suffered over decades. And it really, really upset Matt Damon. If you were not aware, Damon was made Worldwide Ambassador for Unwanted Opinions on Anything and Nothing, a couple of years back. He has successfully started the

#PraiseAnyGoodBehaviourThatShouldGoWithoutAsking hashtag campaign, which has rightfully swept the globe. Everywhere, those poor people who have not kicked puppies, kidnapped children, who have put the toilet seat down, those who have helped an old person with their shopping or to cross the road, not left their supermarket trolley in the middle of the car park, or set fire to anything they shouldn’t have set fire to, are finally having their voices heard. And rightly so. Matt Damon will be made their patron saint in January of 2020.

There was a remake (or reboot, as it’s now known)………. of Jumanji. I don’t know what else I can say here.

The Handmaid’s Tale was really rather good, Prince Harry got engaged, which was all kinds of lovely and I moved into a new flat; which was absolutely, f*cking amAZing! Read why here………. And the movie of the year was A Ghost Story. See it and die inside when your heart quite literally explodes with grief.

But on a positive note (and there is one), it really helps you to reconnect with your feelings. Those not being outrage, incredulity, indignation, utter disbelief and shame.

Thinking about it, they really could have used that on the poster.

**This post was brought to you by fake news and a fundamental need to fact check.

*please don’t @ me, I know the real name of the song. This is a humour blog……..