I have a really, very unhealthy obsession with men dressed as pirates, which goes so far as to me casually dropping into conversation with one of my students, a professional who recently held a fancy dress party for his partner’s birthday, to next time please theme it as pirates to ensure my attendance.  And also, upon seeing my ex dressed as a pirate for his Christmas office party last year, requesting that he bring said costume along to Barcelona next  time he happens to be popping over for a little visit…….

If I had kids, it would be absolutely impossible for me to ever take them to a theme park where there is a pirate ride (more or less ALL amusement parks), without a) being over excited b) getting dressed up c) arriving, all heaving bosoms and laced corset d) hoping to be swashed, buckled and e) expecting at the very least to be hoisted with the main sail.

Not in the slightest bit appropriate behaviour for a mummy, cap’n, and make no mistake and that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #15.

*Johnny Depp (dressed as Captain Jack), if you’re reading this, call me.