Reasons why I don’t have kids #22

I am….. MAMA SCISSORHANDS Remember those terrible times as a child, when your mum thought she was Vidal Sassoon?   Have countless, slightly faded photos of you and your siblings, all with minutely different versions of wonky hair?  Re-living the embarrassment of walking into school with DIY bangs? Well, I would be that mother. If, when […]

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Reasons why I don’t have kids #21

I would probably have to be a REAL grown-up and not just fake it twice a year when the opportunity arose/I have the place to myself.  Honestly, I’m not entirely sure I’m well-enough equipped for this, I think it would be fair to say, that I can barely take care of myself. Being adult is a lot […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #20

I would periodically feed them lumps of cheese, for one of the following reasons: For educational purposes.  You see, I think it’s a little ‘exotic’ – ssoooooo Italian/French/Swiss, so I am in actual fact, expanding their minds. I am brassic and it’s all I can afford I am lazy (A combination of the two immediately above)   […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #19

They would spend four or five weeks of every year terrified of their grotesque, hayfever misshapen mother, who also happens to be very grumpy at this time. (And the rest of the year scared of her for other reasons including days when she was in a ‘very bad mood for no reason’, time of the month […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #17

Because, this madame would have been greeted by her bags on the doorstep and sent packing to the house of John Inglesino, who represented her in court and is the father of her best friend. Maybe not the best example of teenage parenting………. I concede. #whataspoiltbrat

Reasons why I don’t have kids #15

I have a really, very unhealthy obsession with men dressed as pirates, which goes so far as to me casually dropping into conversation with one of my students, a professional who recently held a fancy dress party for his partner’s birthday, to next time please theme it as pirates to ensure my attendance.  And also, upon seeing my ex […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #14

I am not very good when I am ill with *little things, like my ‘front head (otherwise known as my face) cold syndrome’.  I soldier on and go to work (mainly because I am freelance and have to because I don’t get paid if I don’t), am a martyr to the cause and like to go […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #12

I’m often smacked off my t*ts on Haribo. And when I’m smacked off my t*ts on Haribo I am out of CONTROL, man.  I can’t control my limbs, I see sparks, I can’t control my tongue, I’m unpredictable. I would fight my children for Haribo.  I would fight other people’s children for Haribo. And that […]