If I gave birth to boys, I’m afraid that I would have to attempt to *beat seven shades of shithead out of them, from a very early age.  FACT.  Because it seems that, irrespective of your background, there is something in the nature, that overrides the nuture, that means they all become arseholes at some point.  There are, of course, exceptions to this rule, but they are very, very few and far between.  Hot Frenchie, my brother……… yep, seriously struggling for more.

“What have I told you about being a NICE sh*thead?”

If the beatings failed, as evidence would suggest is inevitable, I’d then, in my capacity as a responsible mother (no comments please), have to try and educate them in the ways of how to at least be a nice shithead.  The nicest shithead it is possible to be.

How to be a NICE Shithead. © Anne Pank, 2014.

1)  If you aren’t looking for a relationship, say so:

Man (m):  “I don’t want an exclusive relationship.”

Other party (OP):  “Ok.  Nor do I.  Thanks for being honest!”/  “OK. I do.  Thanks for being honest!”

 2)  If you are married, say so:

M:  “I’m married, but I DO find you attractive and would like to have some of the sex with you.”

OP:  “um right, OK. (knows it’s nothing more than a bit of fun). I’d like to have some of the sex with you too.  Thanks for being honest!”/ “um right.  Then I’m going to say no.  Thanks for being honest!”

3)  If you have a string of hos all over the place, make the ho you are with at any given moment, feel like she is the Queen of the Hos.  If a woman has made a judgement call, given all the information, and is happy being one of the hos, she at the very least wants to feel like the man’s Best Ho, while the man is with her.  Spoil her a little, with your affection and attention, not just your wallet.  You share what, eight or nine days/two months/a weekend here and there, each year?  It’s not THAT difficult.

M:  “I have ‘friends’ in most places I visit, but don’t worry about that baby.  I’m here with you.  Now.”  Or, simply go about your business with the current ho, as if the other hos don’t exist.  For the short time you are together. Repeat as necessary.

OP: “Aaahh.  Thanks for being honest!”

4)  Even if a ‘thing’ is casual, there is no excuse not to be a perfect gentleman.  If you are a perfect gentleman, I can guarantee better results.  Every time.  Team gentlemanly behaviour with honesty, and you’re onto a winner.  Because, even under these (understood and agreed) casual circumstances, if you act like a total pig, it is 99% certain that you will get the back up of the other party.  And, if you are extremely unlucky, and have found yourself unknowingly with a total  **crank, she may just open up a giant can of whoop ass, the likes of which you have never seen in your whole entire life.

5)  If you cease to be interested in a person, tell them straight.  It’s the sticking plaster theory.  Yes, of course it isn’t nice to hear that someone has bored of you.  But the short, sharp, shock, is easier than the protracted, drawn out pain.

M:  “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to see you anymore.  I don’t really have a good reason/I’ve met someone else/I feel you’re getting a bit too serious.”

OP:  “Wow, OK. That makes me sad.  But thanks for being honest!”  (can you see a trend forming here?)  There may be some weeping and wailing and beating of breasts, but stick with it. Best for them, best for you.

6)  Be nice and kind.  This is actually just a simple rule for life in general.  There really is NO excuse for bad manners, whatever the situation.

Honesty is the most important point here.  Followed closely by impecable manners.  Lay all your cards on the table, and give the other party a chance to make an informed decision about their life.  If you want to have your cake and eat it, give the other person the option to have their cake and eat it, too.  It’s only fair.  Right?

* RelAX people, metaphorically speaking, of course………

** I speak from experience.  The crank my ex dated before me, made my life Hell for six months.  Purely because of his piggy, dishonest and ungentlemanly behaviour with her.  I didn’t blame her one bit (but I DID call the police).  From my heart to yours, with love.  You’re welcome.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #34.