How did we ever survive without the Kardashians?

After the enlightening SIX-MINUTE instructional from Kourtney Kardashian this week, on a ‘life-changing’ method of eating a Kit Kat, (and really thank God, I’d been avoiding those fingery little devils like the plague, because I just wasn’t sure), I took a little step back in order to reflect.  I mean, for the most part, my entire everyday life is governed by all the wisdoms that have been imparted by the K-Klones, over the other side of the pond.  Either by the actual words coming out of their perfect, sometimes artificially-inflated (allegedly) mouths and also, by just looking at them with my eyes. Because let’s face it, we can hardly avoid seeing them when our eyes are open (and probably when they’re shut) so deeply ingrained are they in our 21st century culture-saturated brains.  Even dedicated and respected ‘news’ channels report their various doings and beings.

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Aspirational life-goals

I for one, am eternally grateful for their existence because my ‘being-a-normal-human’ skills were definitely lacking.  Thanks to them baby-stepping us through the minefield that is real life, we are no longer that writhing, useless mass of flailing limbs and actual working brains.  Thank all the gods.

I mean look, before the KK there were many things we spent our days worrying about, like our slightly larger than required bottoms.  Until…. BOOM!  Kim appeared greased up like she was about to mount a pole and start wrestling an equally slimy opponent; simultaneously grinned inanely, gripped a champagne bottle AND balanced a glass on her very oily arse (no mean feat).  Now we could all embrace the junk in our trunk (and even start worrying about adding a little extra luggage, because now it’s not quite big enough). Blow that bad boy up, as big as it’ll go!!  We can also be happy that our skin folds when we bend limbs, because before, we considered skin in hip creases so ugly, we didn’t leave the house and we for sure never went to the beach.  Phew!  I’m so grateful the Kardashians made skin finally acceptable.   And this skin crease has even got its own special name, ‘thighbrow‘.   SsOoo clever!  <excitedly claps hands like the seal that got the fish>

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Before the magic happened

We have, of course, also learnt that magic actually exists from this family of respected witches, and that if we really wish hard enough; we can change the way we look.  It’s amazing!   Just look at the photos of them a few years back and you can clearly see the results of simple hope and lemon water.  They are the very collective epitome of the power of the mind.  All you need to do is focus hard and in no way, shape or form pay an army of surgeons – and you can achieve your physical goals. Good times.

For the most part I have also been deluding myself all this time, to be honest we’ve all been deluding ourselves, thinking we needed to possess actual intelligence, skills and do work (like in real jobs) to survive in this life. When all we had to do was, wish our faces different, talk sh*t and take thousands of selfies. That’s how you make a living guys! What the hell were you thinking, beasting yourselves to put a roof over your heads? Tsk tsk. Stupid. The lot of us….

As for a happy home life, the secret is to all live together forever. And if not, at the very least spend every waking moment in each other’s company, so you can know all the business of all of you, all the time.  It’s totally healthy. Last and by no means least, let’s look to them for romantic advice. Their method? Well, that’s dead simple – just keep getting married and divorced until you find your perfect partner.  Or marry Kanye West.

So, to come back to my original point, about KitKats, Kourtney has finally helped us overcome all the earthly problems of chocolate.  Without this, I know I for one, would be lying in a gutter somewhere, all normal bum and hip skin-hating, without my entire family looking on; wafer crumbs in every orifice and smeared from head to toe in the brown stuff.

So I say this, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you Kardashians, I’d be nothing without you.

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