International Women’s Day 2016

And so it rolls around again, and some of the men will get all upset that there’s a day for us poor, hysterical folk possessing of boobs and vaginas.  That we feel there’s a necessity to implement an International Women’s Day concerns them.  “But WHY?” we hear them wail in unison.  And it’s a good question.  Because, my dear fellows, every day is man’s day.  But I suppose you wouldn’t notice that, because you are one, and well, it’s just the way of the world.  And to that I say, come on guys, stop snivelling, grow a pair and man up……. oh, wait, those last two are a given.

To be fair, in the true spirit of equality, (because ultimately that’s what we want here) – nothing more, nothing less – give the boys their special day too, and let’s all stop quibbling.  Oh wait, what’s this?  They do have an International Men’s Day?  Since 1992…..  Well, while we’re at it, let’s give one to the unicorns, parking attendants and Father Christmas too.  If anyone deserves a day, it’s him, that guy performs miracles in December……  To be honest, I don’t care if they do have a day, because it doesn’t offend me. And I think that’s the key.  Why does it upset you if there is a day for women….. like there are Pride festivals all over the world, and Black History Month and other festivals in a similar vein.  For the love of God!  They have a day for the groundhog in America every 2nd February, and Rare Disease Day was at the end of the same month.  We’ve surely got to be nicer to celebrate than giant rats and deadliness?!  No celebratory day should offend you, unless the day is celebrating death or abuse or cutting off your penis.  Which it absolutely isn’t.  <looks shifty>


Don’t believe a word of it

Let the breasts have their day.  Really, it’s just temporarily shifting the focus of the world, for a mere twenty-four hours, from all the bollocks (pun intended) we see every day.  What’s not to love about women; in work, in literature, politics, positions of power, in the home, just walking in the street and everywhere really?  We’re niiiiice. Come on, we’re not so scary and we’re definitely not evil (do NOT, whatever you do, cast your eyes left); and we’re not planning an uprising.  Certainly not to topple you champions and warriors from your thrones; that is not our intention at all.  We just want an equal chance to sit in some thrones next to you.  After all, we wear gems and ermine really damn well…….. we’ll look super fine sitting up there, crown all natty angle, working some velvet cape-age.  (While probably silently and stealthily plotting something utterly horrific, like free education for all and World peace).

I mean look chaps, we’ve had it pretty rough for thousands of years, take a look at some of the earliest known law codes from circa 2400 BC, (ancient Sumer ā€“ now modern-day southern Iraq) which show the introduction into written law, of where a woman well and truly stands in society – ā€œIf a woman speaks out of turn, then her teeth will be smashed by a brick.ā€  Pretty brutal, I think you’ll agree.Why?  Well, because: vagina.

cunkpenisBy anyone’s standard this is pretty bloody harsh.  Who constituted what was ‘speaking out of turn’, and against who?  Ah yes, the biped with the dangly thing between it’s legs.  So worried has man been about losing that, that witches (women) were burnt at the stake, because one of the worst things they were rumoured to do, was…… CUT OFF YOUR PENIS!!!!  NOOOooooo!!  Don’t cut off our penises, penes, penii.  Really (or metaphorically).  I wonder what life would be like if we smashed your teeth out, for ‘speaking out of turn’ (basically, not agreeing/having an opinion at all), or burnt you because someone made up a story about you stealing our fou-fous.  Or simply because our tits are far superior to your tits.  Not you Simon Cowell, your boobies are magnificent.  It’s just bloody weird isn’t it, to create such a violent divide in community, based simply on physical differences.

So, let us have our one solitary day, it’s not offending anyone, and it’s really not intended to.  We’re not speaking out of turn, we’re just speaking……… and singing, and dancing, and writing, and celebrating, and managing some of the biggest companies in the world, and drinking wine, and laughing, and having fun, and shenanigarising, and for the most part: just getting on with our normal, everyday shit.  A bit like you.

Happy International Women’s Day folks.

Annie P


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