Reasons why I don’t have kids #60

Theresa May

We are entering an age where the world is run by comic book villains.  Ain’t nobody got time for fighting the baddies while desperately trying not to create the despots and dictators of the future.  What is wrong with these people?!  Was quite literally everyone in the whole wide world so badly neglected, or not quite loved enough?  

“……. wanted to destroy the state, and that’s my goal too. I want to bring everything crashing down, and destroy all of today’s establishment.”  

Who said it: a comic book super villain or Steve Bannon

The Penguin (Danny DeVito version)

Dr Evil is running the Whitehouse, haunted by the unresolved daddy issues that will follow him to the grave.  There he presides under the watchful eye of The Penguin, with a hotline from KGB assassin, Trigger.  Zelda from Terrahawks is in number ten Downing Street, still trying to conquer earth, but quite frankly – making a complete hash of it.  These are just the tip of the iceberg…… the international list goes on and on.

All these people were children once, what the hell actually happened?  It’s fascinating (and terrifying) to think that these one-time innocent, empty vessels of love and joy, were to eventually become soulless, heartless chimeras.  I’m sure at one time or other, during their formative years, their mums and dads looked at each other smugly, hands on hips/arms folded and thought, ‘There’s nothing to this!  I think we’re doing a might fine job of parenting, tbqh.’

Then BAM!  Roll on thirty or forty years and they’re marauding around the globe, wreaking havoc and leaving a trail of death and destruction and broken hearts in their wake; trying to out-megalomaniacal tyrant each other.  That’s good for no man nor beast nor country.

I imagine that every time you spend five minutes longer talking to one child than the other, the seeds are already sown.  Then there’s that one day you said you were too tired to read a story, the time you didn’t praise the finger painting before putting it on the fridge, a smidge lower than the siblings’.  Or the only child only had one hour of your full attention, not an hour and a half, that you couldn’t help them with their trigonometry homework, that you couldn’t go to sports day because of work commitments.  Are we too kind, not kind enough, too strict, too liberal, too overpowering or cosseting, too laid back.

All pretty innocuous you might think, but IT’S A BLOODY MINEFIELD!!!!!  (Regains composure after ‘running’ round the flat (40m2), screaming and waving arms wildly)).  And I’m sorry, I’m not willing to take *that chance.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #60. 

*I’m the person who plays minesweeper and gets blown up, the first square I uncover.  My chances-of -raising-a-maniac game is strong…..


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