Ms Anne Pank
some dark, gothic street
Dear Mr Trump,
I hope you don’t mind me getting in touch with you like this, but the desire was too strong to ignore.
You are now in charge of the most powerful country in the world. Don’t f*ck it up. I do apologise, let me rephrase that. Although it’s painfully obvious for all to see that it’s virtually impossible for you, try and act a little more like your predecessor; President Obama – knowledgeable, elegant stateman, diplomatic, respectful, honest, caring, a true gentleman. He earned the respect of the world. He most certainly did not attempt to smash it into Gaea’s face with a wrecking ball.
We f*cked ourselves up pretty badly over this side of the pond last summer, and we were pretty much banking on old Uncle Sam to give us a glimmer of hope, that not absolutely everyone inhabiting the planet is a stark-raving, hate-filled ball of pus/hate/bile. But, they gave us you. OK we get it, that’s (some kind of screwed-up) democracy, with almost three million less votes than your opponent. But, you know.
During your campaign you were a complete fraud, (watch Trevor Noah calling you out before and after the win):
You also mocked the afflicted, the fallen, POWs, minority groups, the States’ own armed forces, women, and even your own wife. And now you’re mocking the very people who voted for you. In. Their. Faces.
You openly admitted you don’t pay tax, and then promised to ‘drain the swamp’; and promptly filled your cabinet with the worst type of swamp monsters. The likes of which we haven’t seen since, well since Attack of the Giant Leeches. And now we see before us the schoolyard bully boy, with his weird, chubby little hands on the nuclear codes. Surrounded by your yes men, you are playing the archetypal comic book villain, even quoting Bane from Batman: Vengeance of Bane in your inauguration speech. At least your wife had the decency to *plagiarise an actual living person.
So let’s take it down a notch, hey? With everything, including your love of fake tan, hairspray and Touche Eclat. Start thinking and acting like a statesman, because the Oval Office is a very different place to your gilded cage at Trump Towers. And the wider world outside that – is an even scarier, complicated place. Way beyond big bucks bullying.
Oh and finally, and this might be the simplest and best piece of advice anyone could give:
DON’T BE A C*NT.
Anyhooos, I wish you all the best in your forthcoming nuptials with Vlad, and for your term in office. I very much hope that it doesn’t last long.
p.s. I thought this post might be funnier, so here’s a joke;
“Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time.” – Norman Ford
*talking of which, if I steal from my own previous posts, it doesn’t count as plagiarisation.