I would teach them to say thank you to the Gods of everything, every day.  For example the Gods of Sudocrem, fishfingers and beans, the Gods of colouring pencils, wellie boots and Ladybird books.

Because of this, they would be called weirdos by their classmates and probably get bullied a bit.  Which, speaking from experience, isn’t very nice at all, and so this is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #9.