Reasons why I don’t have kids #20

I would periodically feed them lumps of cheese, for one of the following reasons: For educational purposes.  You see, I think it’s a little ‘exotic’ – ssoooooo Italian/French/Swiss, so I am in actual fact, expanding their minds. I am brassic and it’s all I can afford I am lazy (A combination of the two immediately above)   […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #19

They would spend four or five weeks of every year terrified of their grotesque, hayfever misshapen mother, who also happens to be very grumpy at this time. (And the rest of the year scared of her for other reasons including days when she was in a ‘very bad mood for no reason’, time of the month […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #17

Because, this madame would have been greeted by her bags on the doorstep and sent packing to the house of John Inglesino, who represented her in court and is the father of her best friend. Maybe not the best example of teenage parenting………. I concede. #whataspoiltbrat

Reasons why I don’t have kids #11

Because I am Lady Jesus and just look at what happened the first time I was around, walking the Earth and doing goodness to and for all.  Anyone connected to me was doubted, chased, persecuted, whipped, killed etc. etc.  I could go on….. terrible times.  I feel really bad about it. Now, knowing what it’s like to […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #10

I never met a man I looked at and thought “I have such a huge, aching love for you inside me that the only way possible to illustrate the strength of that is to have your baby.  I want your baby, I love you that much.” Which is kind of how I imagined you would know you were […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #9

I would teach them to say thank you to the Gods of everything, every day.  For example the Gods of Sudocrem, fishfingers and beans, the Gods of colouring pencils, wellie boots and Ladybird books. Because of this, they would be called weirdos by their classmates and probably get bullied a bit.  Which, speaking from experience, […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #5

I spend a lot of time gazing at newly purchased, beautiful shoes.  I also put them on and take them off repeatedly, I walk around in them a bit, just to check they are still as beautiful and sexy on, as they are off. Usually, thankfully, they are. Now, if I had children I would […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #73

If my recently acquired cat has taught me anything, it’s this: I’m too scared of everything. I was explaining to my friend in the UK recently that I have bought a harness and lead for the cat, so that he can enjoy the balcony without me suffering a heart attack, and her response was completely […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #72

Taxi duties. As is documented quite well in this blog, I am a big fan of me time and relaxing at home. Like….. a big, big fan. BIG. ENORMOUS. It is also known that I possess a large array of ‘house trousers’, a term coined by my good friend MonkeySpangles over in the Twittersphere, an […]