Did you not see the size of my tiny suitcase!?!?  What with the precision planning and the high heels and condoms, where would the toys and nappies and kids go?

No room for nappies here

As well as limited space, I’m also working with a very limited budget and time here.  Money and time allocated to drifting the days away, on a heady cloud of fizz fumes, cycle tours, quiet art gallery contemplation and hot-men-watching over a dish of the local cuisine.  Nowhere in my meticulously thought out agenda and tight schedule, does it allow for Disney shops or Legoland. To be honest, haven’t been a huge fan of the fairytale princess/prince dynamic, since my divorce in 1998. Although…… having said that, the big kid in me may have to pay a little trip to the Tivoli while in Copenhagen, apparently the oldest funfair in Europe. I might even take a ride. Maybe. This largely depends on my blood-alcohol levels and the odds of me decorating the folk below, with what I have for lunch that day.

My watertight planification, does not allow for spontaneous deviations, that are so apt to happen amongst the little people. Say, for example, innumerable toilet breaks/I want ice-cream in freezing January tantrums/candyfloss-fuelled-sugar-high-run-offs into traffic/distraction detours into invertebrate houses to touch crawly things/inexplicable tears (those are mine, caused by the arachnids).

I honestly applaud mothers everywhere, for having unfathomable patience in managing to get their broods from A——B successfully, and living to tell the tale. There’s barely enough room in my case, or my wallet or my itinery for one of me, let alone a pride.

Travelling extremely light and efficiently is definitely a forte (along with drinking gin, shenanigarising, wearing heels, amongst other things), and that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #47.