24 hours on Badoo – I want a relationship

Marry me!

Marry me!


Liked me – 171

Visitors – 367

Added as favourite – 19

No. of threatening messages – 1

No. of strops for no immediate return of greeting – 14

No. of people with tattoos on their FACES – 4

No. of p*nis photos – 1

No. of interesting people, who didn’t do any of the four immediately above – 1

I can’t believe people pay actual, real, hard-earned cash for some of the facilities on this app.  For the princely sum of a hundred credits you can promote yourself on the home page, but honestly, I’d rather use my 3.63€ to buy a glass of wine.  People hurl themselves at you anyway at first sight of some fresh meat, it being what it is after all, a cattle market.  You can pay to increase your visibility, thus your chances of getting laid.  Because that’s what it’s for, Badoo: SEX.  That’s not just my assumption, a nice chap confirmed it for me, so alarmed was he by my photo saying, “I want a relationship“, and moreso that it was my (heaven forbid) profile photo.  Damn!  You need to keeep that sh*t hidden, guuurl.  What you trying to do?  Scare the Beejeezus outta everyone?

After that response, I was honestly taken aback by the amount of attention I received.  But this also led me to believe the words on my profile photo had not been understood, or to be honest,  even seen.  Such is the fast-paced, throw-away convenience of simply swiping, left or right.  This is dating in the twenty first century.  A split second assessment, and you’re unceremoniously dumped in the bin.

The preferred method of communication here, was a machine gun, rapid-fire round of questions, swiftly followed by an arsey message, for not responding in their aceptable allotted time.  It appears, that being less than a millisecond.  I have a life, I’m working, or cooking, or preparing to gouge my own eyes out with spoons.  This approach garnering no response from me, an over-pumped body builder, then saw fit to send me the obligatory c*ck shot.  Wham! There he was in my inbox, like an oily, over-stuffed sausage, *with a chipolata garnish nestled betwixt his thunderous thighs.  He stated, “you could have 23cm“, which honestly, when you’re not using the empirical conversion, doesn’t sound overly impressive.

And, so it is I leave my day in Badoo world looking for a relationship, and decide where next to visit, packaged up as a lusty bird on the hunt for sex.  Based on the last twenty four hours, I’m thinking anywhere is fair game with that label.

*A word to the ‘wise’: Bodybuilders beware; your peepee is always going to pale into insignificance, no matter the size, if you’re a man mountain.  If you need to send a naked shot, because your conversation’s so dull, send one of your pecs, not your pecker.

You’re welcome.

Annie P x


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