Liked me – 171
Visitors – 367
Added as favourite – 19
No. of threatening messages – 1
No. of strops for no immediate return of greeting – 14
No. of people with tattoos on their FACES – 4
No. of p*nis photos – 1
No. of interesting people, who didn’t do any of the four immediately above – 1
I can’t believe people pay actual, real, hard-earned cash for some of the facilities on this app. For the princely sum of a hundred credits you can promote yourself on the home page, but honestly, I’d rather use my 3.63€ to buy a glass of wine. People hurl themselves at you anyway at first sight of some fresh meat, it being what it is after all, a cattle market. You can pay to increase your visibility, thus your chances of getting laid. Because that’s what it’s for, Badoo: SEX. That’s not just my assumption, a nice chap confirmed it for me, so alarmed was he by my photo saying, “I want a relationship“, and moreso that it was my (heaven forbid) profile photo. Damn! You need to keeep that sh*t hidden, guuurl. What you trying to do? Scare the Beejeezus outta everyone?
After that response, I was honestly taken aback by the amount of attention I received. But this also led me to believe the words on my profile photo had not been understood, or to be honest, even seen. Such is the fast-paced, throw-away convenience of simply swiping, left or right. This is dating in the twenty first century. A split second assessment, and you’re unceremoniously dumped in the bin.
The preferred method of communication here, was a machine gun, rapid-fire round of questions, swiftly followed by an arsey message, for not responding in their aceptable allotted time. It appears, that being less than a millisecond. I have a life, I’m working, or cooking, or preparing to gouge my own eyes out with spoons. This approach garnering no response from me, an over-pumped body builder, then saw fit to send me the obligatory c*ck shot. Wham! There he was in my inbox, like an oily, over-stuffed sausage, *with a chipolata garnish nestled betwixt his thunderous thighs. He stated, “you could have 23cm“, which honestly, when you’re not using the empirical conversion, doesn’t sound overly impressive.
And, so it is I leave my day in Badoo world looking for a relationship, and decide where next to visit, packaged up as a lusty bird on the hunt for sex. Based on the last twenty four hours, I’m thinking anywhere is fair game with that label.
*A word to the ‘wise’: Bodybuilders beware; your peepee is always going to pale into insignificance, no matter the size, if you’re a man mountain. If you need to send a naked shot, because your conversation’s so dull, send one of your pecs, not your pecker.
Annie P x