24 hours on OKCupid – I want s*x

                                                   Don't you?

Don’t you?


Liked me – 19

Visitors – 49

Added as favourite – 0 (Hell’s teeth!)

No. of threatening messages – 0

No. of strops for no immediate return of greeting – 1

No. of people with tattoos on their FACES – 0

No. of p*nis photos – 0

No. of interesting people, who didn’t do any of the above – 0

1 x thorough telling off.

So, as I am the virtual world equivalent of, ‘escorted off the premises’, by OKCupid admin for lewd conduct, I remain none the wiser as to what it is that men really want from these apps.  Having received a torrent of interest, mostly sexually direct messages and a penis photo, in response to my “I want a relationship” profile picture, I was expecting to have to hire an assistant to sift through the mountains of responses to my “I want sex” profile picture on OKCupid.  Men want no-strings-attached sex, right?  Wrong.

At least, it would appear that’s not the case at all; if it’s the woman taking the reins.  With the caption scrawled across my grinning chops, I at least managed to raise a titter from a chap in France, who wrote in his native tongue, to say he thought my bare-faced cheek was brilliant.  I swooned just reading it, (even though honestly, I only understood about 1%), until he kindly translated for me.  It was a really sweet message.

But surprisingly, my photo appeared to be really offensive to most, (not least the App, who after approximately twelve hours, not only deleted my profile photo but also a sketch of a nude, illustrating my artistic bent, and most weirdly, a picture of my perfectly pampered tootsies), before removing me completely.   I had a rather lengthy conversation with a chap whose opening gambit was, “I bet you’ve been inundated with that photo, which is a bit of a risky thing to put out there, ‘as a woman.’

Why?  It’s OK for gentlemen to publish naked almost down to the pubes shots, and ask ‘fancy a sh*g?’  We had a fairly heated conversation about it, after I explained that I was in fact doing a mini social experiment, (because he seemed like a genuinely nice guy), and he completely and utterly ripped into me.  Even after I explained my motivation for the ‘project’, that being my personal experience over the years of constant disappointment at the lack of charm, good manners and common sense.  He was pretty outraged that I was wasting people’s time as he, for example, was genuinely looking for a partner.  Maybe it was him that grassed me up to the App Gestapo.

What’s interesting about this, is that he was the first man, in approximately eight years of sporadically popping back on these sites, who had ever said that.  Usually, the rules are laid down from the off. “Not looking for a relationship“.  Or friendship, or the potential for either?  Relax, for Christ’s sake, let’s go for a drink and have some fun.  For the love of sweet baby Jesus!

Anyway, I felt bad for Mr Nice, because I understood his frustration and wished him well.  He told me to f*ck myself.  Fair enough.

Being upfront for twenty four hours was dull, dull, dull!  And maaaayyybbbe, just maybe, it’s dull for guys too, when they’re completely charmless, because for the most part women are not biting.  Obviously there are women out there who do, I understand that, but they appear to be few and far between.  Probably they’re not the ones up a pyramid in Mexico or on a boat with their mates or showing off their artistic skills.  Fully clothed.

Which begs the question, “Just exactly what was it that was so bad about my petite feet?!”

Awaiting your rapid response, OKCupid.

Puzzled of Barcelona. x


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