So, we’re a week into 2016 already, and it feels like any other year, right?
This is the year that our collective brain is highly likely to melt out of our ears, creating something that closely resembles the primordial soup from which we came. How do I know this?
What a time to be alive! At least in 2015, we had the common decency to wait until the middle of February to openly shout about our universal boredom, with the global debate about The Dress. What next? We get post Christmas boredom before it even happens? I think we may all be morphing into hipsters. “Oh, I’m so over boredom, it’s so, you know, last year’s boring.” *yaawwnn.
After the tearful farewell of OD in 2015, the boys will as promised, pursue solo projects. It seems that Zayn Malik may have been the wisest of all of One Directions, by implementing his watertight exit strategy in the last month. That being….. getting into a relationship with a Victoria’s Secret model. And, hot off the press, news is coming in that Madonna has put a substantial bid on Harry Styles. Rumour has it, if she wins the auction, she will employ him to head up her new charity, ‘Cape-Free World’, which she will focus on this year. There will be a fundraising concert in Hyde Park in the summer, but it will be strongly opposed by all comic book fans, as Superman et al, will be required to find alternative superhero garments and Zorro will go into retirement as a result of new ‘no-cape’ legislation. There is no news coming in, from any press about the other band members. At some point this year, Madonna will flash her bum. Natch.
There are also interesting times ahead methinks, in the world of politics too….
It’s all about to kick off in the States, as the 2016 presidential election campaign trail goes full throttle, with the elections scheduled for November. Imagine approaching Christmas 2016 knowing that the king of the racists, Donald Trump, is leader of the free world. With his hand hovering perilously over the red button, he’ll be hollering down the Batphone, “I said, get them damn walls up all around Ay-mer-iCA!!! PRONTO!” – slams phone down (oh wait, that’s Spanish isn’t it, and I hate Spanish-speaking people) – picks up phone again, hollers “Scratch that sh*t, I mean an all-American DOUBLE QUICK TIME!!” – slam –
But, that won’t happen, because the USA will realise at the last minute that Donald Trump is an Oompah Loompah, and by virtue of that, bright orange. And in being a different colour from them, the population will develop a suspicion of this orange person and from a deep-seated fear of anyone who isn’t white, decide against voting for him. They also, by the same score, won’t vote for a woman. Sorry Hillary, I wish it weren’t the case, but I’m afraid it might be.
Because. Well, because: vagina.
They ain’t nowhere ready for that sh*t yet. JeezUS, are you crazy?? I put money on the good people of America, voting for the Kentucky Fried Colonel. Because we all love fried chicken, and it’s a name you can trust. All he needs to do is grow a white goatee, and it’s in the bag.
Donald Trump will retire from politics and being a gazillionaire, wash his face, stop perving over his own daughter and go live in a cave for a while. His hair will point at him, shout, “you’re fired!”, hop off, hire a publicist and publish a memoir entitled: The Nagging Pain in my Butt – My life with Trump.
Talking of presidential candidates, Kanye West (who has declared his interest in running for 2020. And I have every faith that he actually, really will), won’t divorce Kim Kardashian and marry himself, as some have predicted. No, no, no. He’ll apply to the world-renowned faculty of politics at Harvard, be accepted and get really, really good at all the political stuff (and also, speaking in complete well-constructed sentences), and this will make him a very genuine contender. Like George W. Bush, Felipe Calderon Hinojosa, Al Gore, John F Kennedy and Barack Obama amongst many other successful politicians before him, he will go down in the history books for something other that being a total c*ckwomble. (But, honestly, probably being a c*ckwomble too. That stuff cannot be unremembered).
Sadly, I think that Cheryl CanYouHearTheDrumsFernando – Vaseline, the UK’s sweetheart, will part ways with husband number two and the country will mourn with her, as she will be the only woman ever in the history of the world to go through two divorces. And as such, her pain will be the worst pain ever experienced, Pet. Also in the history of the world. There will be another instalment of her memoirs, an eternal stream in the press of ‘poor Chezza’ looking thin, looking sad, looking thin and sad, and another Piers Morgan interview. Or something. Sad times.
But while we will all feel terribly, terribly bad, (and we will be forced to), we will also feel really, really happy about the getting-togethers and weddings. Good times!! Firstly, watch out for the Chris Gayle and Mel Mclaughlin coupling – whoever saw that coming – and Simon Cowell and Nick Grimshaw. Taylor Swift will propose to Calvin Harris on leap day, and there will be surprise and delight when the sweethearts of the WHOLE WORLD, Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence make their first public appearance together during awards season. And then there’s little ol’ *me, who will meet, fall in love, move in with either, this guy:
Or Aidan Turner. I haven’t quite decided yet.
Last, but by no means least, Justin Bieber will stop being a petulant little sh*t. I know, right? Crazy times ahead…….
*hahahaHAHAAHAa…… aaaahhhh, never gets boring. Stick that in your bored of boredom pipes, hipsters.
Have a great 2016 everyone, check in soon.
Love, luck and happiness to all.