Reasons why I don’t have kids #6

Because Mums know everything and are always right.  FACT.  See my ‘Things I learnt in 2013’

And I don’t and I am not.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.

I sometimes misjudge the simple things, like what time I need to leave the house to get to work on time.  When I say sometimes, read always.  I take too much time to think about the little things (what shoes should I wear with these jeans) ah, sh*t, now I’m going to be uncomfortable all day.  Pizza or pasta, a fifty percent chance of getting it right.  “Goddam it, I wanted tortellini FFS“.

I do not know how to say, ‘if only I’d known he was an *rseh*le’ in Spanish. Important. I was not right about the name of the royal baby, I put a bet on Mason Tyler Leroy Alexander.  I was not right about Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis staying together forever.  Heartbreaking turn of events Johnny, heartbreaking.  I do not know how to climb trees or how to keep plants (OR guinea pigs) alive. I was wrong to think that Kanye West was in fact the second coming, and it turns out he’s just a plain old w*nker who is disillusioned enough to believe that’s the case*.  I was incorrect to think the BBC would come to their senses this year and finally put Sir Bruce Forsyth out to pasture, to live out his days basking in the (limited) sunshine and chewing on hay.  And I was wrong about the weather today.  I was freezing.

So, you see, I couldn’t be a mum because on the application form for mum-dom there is a box that asks you:

‘Do you know everything and always make right decisions because this is imperative to the wellbeing of your child/children?’ and my answer would be no.  Because I’m at the very least, an honest person.

So, my inability to know everything and always be right is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #6

*Please stop talking Mister West.


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