Mother’s Day 2014

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Mum’s are amazing (that’s why I’m not one.  I’m magic, but I’m not amazing).  And so it’s only fitting that there should be a day that celebrates these wonderful, mystical creatures who do forty thousand jobs a day and keep it together (mostly). The card I […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #12

I’m often smacked off my t*ts on Haribo. And when I’m smacked off my t*ts on Haribo I am out of CONTROL, man.  I can’t control my limbs, I see sparks, I can’t control my tongue, I’m unpredictable. I would fight my children for Haribo.  I would fight other people’s children for Haribo. And that […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #10

I never met a man I looked at and thought “I have such a huge, aching love for you inside me that the only way possible to illustrate the strength of that is to have your baby.  I want your baby, I love you that much.” And that’s kind of how I imagined you would know you were […]

The latest beauty b*llsh*t

So I’ve made an appointment to have my knee-caps shaved because they’re a bit too prominent and they’re ruining the aesthetic of my legs.  Honestly, what’s a girl to with these impractical, protruding bones? And thinking of impractical protruding bones, I think my ankles are not quite in the right place so in the summer, […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #6

Because Mums know everything and are always right.  FACT.  See my ‘Things I learnt in 2013’… And I don’t and I am not.  Not by any stretch of the imagination. I sometimes misjudge the simple things, like what time I need to leave the house to get to work on time.  When I say sometimes, […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #2

I can barely get my own sh*t organised. Take for example, yesterday.  My first day back to work.  Understand that I had been on holiday since the 23rd December, I had also had a whole week back in Barcelona before I had my first class, which did not start until 2pm, TWO PM IN THE […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #1

I like to sleep.  This is a valid reason. I like to sleep a lot.  And lie in at the weekend. And go out until the wee small hours with no military operation and added expense of organising sitters/overnight carers/surrogate mothers (or fathers.  No sexism here).  I like siestas when I’ve got a couple of hours […]