Reasons why I don’t have kids #28

Because, I didn’t realise the life-saving qualities of babies and for that reason wouldn’t have appreciated just how lucky I was to have the adorable little angel, dropped off by the weird baby-delivery bird. And people who do not realise just exactly how lucky they are to have this little super hero in a nappy, […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #12

I’m often smacked off my t*ts on Haribo. And when I’m smacked off my t*ts on Haribo I am out of CONTROL, man.  I can’t control my limbs, I see sparks, I can’t control my tongue, I’m unpredictable. I would fight my children for Haribo.  I would fight other people’s children for Haribo. And that […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #68

Today was my last day in work and the glorious summer has well and truly arrived (thirty-one degrees and 60% humidity). My current position is this: starfish, butt naked, litre of iced-water to hand with a couple of strategically placed fans on full blast. I start removing clothing as I’m climbing the stairs to my […]

Wooooo, funny is hard

I’m about to admit a failing. Buckle up. It has been increasingly difficult to write the funny stuff these last two years, when the world appears to be completely engulfed in flames. I’ve written as much and as often as possible, and tried to keep the ol’ pecker up in true Blighty style and not […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #50

Being crushingly disappointing to my kids.  In a world obsessed with Apple, Nike, Starbucks, with the likes of the Kardashians leading the charge – I’m afraid my kids would hate me.      I only just (three weeks ago) acquired my first iPhone, after being a committed Samsung user for years, and before that Crackberry. […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #44

Did you not read my previous post?! So, writing from within my lounge fort, tiara tipped at a natty angle, I present the case against the defendant (Anne Pank), having children. Behold Your Honour, exhibit #44. This woman is a giant fraud, a child masquerading as an adult.  How could I successfully raise little people, when inside my head […]