Reasons why I don’t have kids #21

I would probably have to be a REAL grown-up and not just fake it twice a year when the opportunity arose/I have the place to myself.  Honestly, I’m not entirely sure I’m well-enough equipped for this, I think it would be fair to say, that I can barely take care of myself. Being adult is a lot […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #20

I would periodically feed them lumps of cheese, for one of the following reasons: For educational purposes.  You see, I think it’s a little ‘exotic’ – ssoooooo Italian/French/Swiss, so I am in actual fact, expanding their minds. I am brassic and it’s all I can afford I am lazy (A combination of the two immediately above)   […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #19

They would spend four or five weeks of every year terrified of their grotesque, hayfever misshapen mother, who also happens to be very grumpy at this time. (And the rest of the year scared of her for other reasons including days when she was in a ‘very bad mood for no reason’, time of the month […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #10

I never met a man I looked at and thought “I have such a huge, aching love for you inside me that the only way possible to illustrate the strength of that is to have your baby.  I want your baby, I love you that much.” Which is kind of how I imagined you would know you were […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #9

I would teach them to say thank you to the Gods of everything, every day.  For example the Gods of Sudocrem, fishfingers and beans, the Gods of colouring pencils, wellie boots and Ladybird books. Because of this, they would be called weirdos by their classmates and probably get bullied a bit.  Which, speaking from experience, […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #7

Because I would tell my daughters they were beautiful all the time and they would say, ‘but Muuuuum we’re not, we need the boob deodorant and we just want a lettuce leaf for tea.’ And I would make them meat and two veg. I would also ban all gossip magazines and television from my home […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #6

Because Mums know everything and are always right.  FACT.  See my ‘Things I learnt in 2013’… And I don’t and I am not.  Not by any stretch of the imagination. I sometimes misjudge the simple things, like what time I need to leave the house to get to work on time.  When I say sometimes, […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #5

I spend a lot of time gazing at newly purchased, beautiful shoes.  I also put them on and take them off repeatedly, I walk around in them a bit, just to check they are still as beautiful and sexy on, as they are off. Usually, thankfully, they are. Now, if I had children I would […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #4

I’m an incredibly talented time waster (see previous post) and children would only serve to cramp this remarkable and rare ability and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.  You see, there is in fact absolutely NO time to waste when you have children; unless you have mastered space/time continuum, have discovered a wormhole which you […]