One day they could walk through the door, after a long day at school and say, “f*ck this sh*t mum, studying is for losers. I want to take the UK all the way at the Eurovision Song Contest!” “I’m going to have a giant pineapple on stage that I’ll crawl out of and start […]
Can I put ‘epic hugger’, ‘awesome present buyer’, ‘teacher of how to do the splits, while fuzzy on red wine’ on my curriculum vitae? And if so, are these skills of any interest at all to two teenagers who are auditioning girlfriends for their dad? I’m in my first significant relationship since the Mexican and […]
…….. if they can’t get you good and bloody drunk, make you cry laughing, have a good sob with you, take you to get your first tattoo and pass on the number of their divorce lawyer? I mean really, what more is there? The foundation of friendship for me, is a shared sense of humour, […]
Well…… I’ll be. Even I haven’t been able to act the clown I usually am, and make funnies these last few (very significant) months. This has proven a problem for someone who mostly writes about nonsense and shenanigans – oh, and not being a mother. (Which for me, are in fact intrinsically linked). The world’s […]
Here I stand, proud possessor of boobs, saluting all great women everywhere. Past and present. (Pssssst, just for the record, I also admire great men too, before y’all start freaking out. It’s just that today is International Women’s Day, and that’s what I’m talking about). How quickly time flies when you’re still fighting the good […]
…. like we need that weird pair gloves from the Innovations Catalogue, made of towel, that are redundant, because you know: towels. Yep, it’s that time of year again, when we gaze longingly into the jeweller’s window, surreptitiously glance at the overpriced heart-shaped menu as we pass the restaurant, and are bombarded with guilt-inducing images […]
We are entering an age where the world is run by comic book villains. Ain’t nobody got time for fighting the baddies while desperately trying not to create the despots and dictators of the future. What is wrong with these people?! Was quite literally everyone in the whole wide world so badly neglected, or […]
Ms Anne Pank some dark, gothic street Barcelona Dear Mr Trump, I hope you don’t mind me getting in touch with you like this, but the desire was too strong to ignore. You are now in charge of the most powerful country in the world. Don’t f*ck it up. I do […]
The bubbling fountain of raging lava percolating under the surface of my subconscious, ready to explode at the first sight of (what should be) utterly unbelievable news, seen on social media on a daily basis. I thought that maybe, with the turning of a new annual leaf, 2017 might gift me with a calmer disposition. […]
Well, hello there new year, what’s occurring? Whatever it is, please don’t let it be a repeat of last year’s epic b*ll*cks. Thanks ever so much, old chap. So……. we’re almost a week in and I haven’t bothered to promise to do anything, because I’ve finally made my peace with the fact that I have […]
The Secret Diary of Anne Pank 