Salad days

February 7, 2016 by annepank

I do believe I’ve lost the will to drink. No. Really….. After my first foray into the darker side of life (the pub with mates to watch the inaugural match of the Six Nations tournament), after five weeks on the wagon, I realised: I can’t do it, I don’t like it, and it most definitely doesn’t like me too much.

true dat……

I was home by eleven pm, in bed with a hot water bottle and watching The Voice on catch up. Who is this person masquerading as me? I think for sure the old Annie P is inside there somewhere, but she’s got all kinds of comfy in the last five weeks, and she’s quite happy to stay there, with her feet up and have a nice cup of herbal tea.

Last night’s paltry handful of drinks rendered me like your dear old nana. I was full of unnecessary beer gas, couldn’t sleep and had chronic indigestion. The hangover of this from which I am still suffering a little. Twenty hours later. So. Damn. Attractive.

What am I going to do? Where will all the funnies come from, without shenanigans and gincidents? No one ever took a bite of a Caesar, and found themselves dancing in Sidecar at five in the morning. No one ever gulped down a couple of cherry toms and ended up in bed with a twenty-two year old Italian rugby player. For example. So I’m led to believe…….

I suppose I will just have to tell stories of really good exam results and talk about the weather, share my recipes for delicious clean food, ask you about what retirement policy you’re with; and never recount tales of tomfoolery ever, ever again. I’ll eventually disappear up into my own alcohol-free, green juice slurping, self-righteous arse.

It’s going to be awful!!! NNNNnnooOoooooooooooooooooo!

Who will I become now?? How will this PANK evolve, I wonder? Will you still chat to me here? Will you be as interested in my infusion recommendations, as you have been in my tales of naughtiness, that render me the worst candidate for motherhood EVER.

I don’t recognise myself!! Send help!

(Preferably in the guise of something gin-ey or fizzy or a combination of the two)

Who, being loved, is poor?

February 2, 2016 by annepank

Who indeed. And who was it who said this? Why, the inimitable Mr Wilde of course, and as always; he was completely right. Except not about actual poor people, with or without love they are really, as in the dictionary definition; poor. No amount of trying to beam amour from your eyes intensely into the hearts of your paramour will make you feel good, if you are starving hungry and there’s only one tin of beans left in the house, to feed you both for a week.

oh no, Cupid’s dead! Whatever will we do?

Love schmove. It is not solely the reserve of the young, hopelessly enamoured, gracelessy sucking the life out of each other on the metro, or gazing deeply into each other’s souls (blind to the sights and sounds around them, namely: heavy traffic, other couples’ slurping noises, the roar of police sirens and falling scaffolding). No, there’s a little bit of love out there for all of us. It just might arrive in not totally expected form. The cute French bulldog sniffing at your ankle, deciding to pee or not – it loves you, the child looking at you quizzically from it’s buggy, deciding to cry or not – it loves you, the man with the binoculars on the balcony, across the way, deciding to hide or not – he most definitely loves you. It’s all love, in some way shape or form.

Call me an old cynic, (and I know you will) but it seems to me now that all holidays, more or less without exception, are money spinners – case in point, Christmas starts in September, Valentine’s Day starts on the first day of January, every four years, leap year comes around and starts more or less the same time (so that’s confusing. Does she buy him a card and a cuddly toy, or get down on one knee while choosing a romantic meal-deal-for-two in Marksies?) Which reminds me, I better start thinking about who to propose to…….. decisions, decisions. Easter is already in the shops etc. etc. It’s a treadmill of faux, chocolate-covered affection.

Everyone’s in on it. Everywhere you look now, there’ll be advice until the big day itself, on where to go, what to wear, what to eat and buy and do, in order to show the object of your affection just exactly how much they mean to you. The pressure is immense to get it just right. What will Kanye buy Kim? Before I even know what it is, I know I want one just like it! It’s simply not enough to say, “LOOK! I Facebook stalked you for five whole hours when we first met, looked at my mobile for a message from you 1,313 times between 0730 and 1210 the morning after our first date, liked a photograph on Instagram anonymously, and the only reason I didn’t look you up on LinkedIn, is because you can see who’s checked out your profile there. (I’m not stupid). What more do you need exactly?” That, as I understand it, is the modern way. No?

So, here’s a thing, why not put your arms around your other half, and say, “Love you, you pain in the arse”, (old softy, I know), when you feel it. Find them when you come in from work and give ’em a little kiss. Which is not so difficult, considering in these tough times, we probably all live in flats no bigger than a shoebox – they’re in there somewhere not too far away. Call your family, see your mates. It’s all positive stuff that nurtures the soul, it doesn’t have to be connected to ‘The One‘, and if you haven’t found ‘The One‘, shame on you – you poor, poor thing, whatever will you do? And we’re right back where we started, with dear old Oscar.

So, with the special day of love fast approaching, and the pressure mounting, and Cupid bloody knackered from all the overtime, I leave you with this:

From me to you, with love……… x

Dry January ends today!

January 31, 2016 by annepank

Annie P, 1/02/2015

And guess what I’m going to do tomorrow. Go on, I bet you can’t………. a big fat nothing.

Nothing is going to change. Last year and the year before that, the first time I did Dry January specifically, (I’d taken time out in January before, before it was even a thing), I found it a bit tough. But this year has been surprisingly simple. I honestly think there might have been only one day, where I genuinely craved a glass of red. On February the first, both the previous years, I immediately had a drink. This year, I know for sure I won’t.

Teamed with a clean-eating plan, and an almost non-existent social life, a calm and quiet month ensued. And it’s been rather delightful. I lost a little weight, (those trousers I was holding together with a pin? The button and hole are friends again); and for the most part I’ve slept better. So why leap back on the boozy pizza train, just for the sake of it? Exactly.

I’ve been abstaining from all things bad, alcohol, sugar; men. That last one, more by (un)luck, than judgement. Remember, I’m going ‘organic’ in that department too.

No dating apps for this PANK, so in order to meet them, you have to actually venture outside. I haven’t. Instead, I have gorged on movies, books, writing and art. Slow, steady progress is in, excess/procrastination is out. *Although having said that, I sit here, in this moment, writing this and listening to Laura Mvula (and the prostitute outside, shouting at her pimp for not paying her) – instead of writing exams…… but that’ll pass soon enough.

And as you probably know by now, I am rather fond of my own company; maybe a little too much. No more beautifully explained, than here:

“……Being alone spares you from constant reminders of how difficult and strange you are. No one is there to hold a mirror up – record your antics and constantly make you accountable for them……” Alain de Botton

So the minimal social contact this month has served me well, as a perfect period for little introspection…….. lovely. And as a result, I feel refreshed and ready to take on the year. I very much look forward to seeing what the rest of this 2016 has in store for me.

Happy end of January folks.
♡

p.s. I am having the above for breakfast. On Sunday. I don’t recognise myself. Send help.

Thought for the day

January 28, 2016 by annepank

cheers

I just looked at my stats, and I’m one page view away from ten thousand. This is nothing short of in-CRED-ible in a couple of years!! I know it’s not a gazillion, but for a newbie, complete novice – it’s freakin’ marvellous.

So, I say a massive:

I promise to keep rambling and writing nonsense, so I hope you keep reading and enjoying.

Annie P is a very happy PANK….

Un mil besos
A thousand kisses
AP
xxx
p.s. If I had a dog, it would definitely have one of these toys.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #48

January 27, 2016 by annepank

nbc-fires-donald-trump-after-he-calls-mexicans-rapists-and-drug-runners.jpg

I mean, look at him…..

….. Donald Trump, David Cameron, George Osborne, doping scandals in athletics, crooked football organisations, crooked police, crooked politicians (in every country), Sepp Blatter, Vladimir Putin, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin’s son, BoB (rapper and flat earth believer), The Flat Earth Society, Kim Jong-Un, religious bigots of ALL denominations, Westboro Baptist Church, corrupt bankers, governments who don’t hold bankers accountable for global economic problems, nuclear weapons, Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner, Rupert Murdoch, Rupert Murdoch buying National Geographic 😥 Kourtney Karadashian, Kendall Jenner, Kris Jenner, Big Brother, Big Data, Celebrity Big Brother, tax-evading multinationals, the ability for those tax-evading multinationals to ‘negotiate’ the tax they’ll pay, British American Tobacco bribes, Kanye West, sexism, racism, UKIP, human trafficking, homophobia, mass inequality, no respect for nature, killing the planet, Volkswagen emissions rigging, pricing the ordinary man out of education, extreme right-wing politics, extreme right-wing politicians, abuse of those who are vulnerable and entrusted into ‘care’, extreme right-wing views, the ‘circle of shame’ in popular magazines, skewed gun laws, mass-shootings (particularly in America), ISIS, ISIL, DAESH, so-called Islamic State (whoever they are), cowards killing innocent people in the name of religion, compromised freedom, armchair activists, social-media trolling, attitudes of entitlement, The Daily Mail, Justin Bieber (I warmed and then I cooled again), lack of democracy in so-called ‘democratic’ countries, Fox ‘News’:

…….. Salvame, tyrannical governments, failing global human rights, censorship, propaganda, Jeremy Kyle, the destruction of the NHS, the attempt to change the contracts of junior doctors in the UK, the attempt by the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom to redefine the term ‘child poverty’ – it is what it is, zero-hours contract, body-shaming, unrealistic views of feminine and masculine beauty, poverty, the necessity for foodbanks in so-called developed countries, the refugee crisis, war, the snoopers charter, porn that features any type of violence, general desensitization to all the bad things we we see happening every day, sex apps, d*ck pics, lack of charm, lack of basic good manners, football louts, catcalling, biased news reporting, Phone Shop Idol, Chicken Shop, Teen Mom, Geordie Shores, all television programmes of their ilk, universal greed, inability to punctuate, organised crime cartels/syndicates/gangs holding countries to ransom, text-speak, text-speak being accepted in exams, universal dumbing-down, the quest for ‘celebrity‘, the masses facilitating the quest for ‘celebrity’, the development of technologies that will eventually put thousands upon thousands out of work, the man who wants total freedom of the internet and the creation of ungovernable weaponry and money markets…………………… WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!! Sadly, I could go on and on and on.

But I won’t because it’s pretty depressing reading, and that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #48

Reasons why I don’t have kids #47

January 24, 2016 by annepank

Did you not see the size of my tiny suitcase!?!? What with the precision planning and the high heels and condoms, where would the toys and nappies and kids go?

No room for nappies here

As well as limited space, I’m also working with a very limited budget and time here. Money and time allocated to drifting the days away, on a heady cloud of fizz fumes, cycle tours, quiet art gallery contemplation and hot-men-watching over a dish of the local cuisine. Nowhere in my meticulously thought out agenda and tight schedule, does it allow for Disney shops or Legoland. To be honest, haven’t been a huge fan of the fairytale princess/prince dynamic, since my divorce in 1998. Although…… having said that, the big kid in me may have to pay a little trip to the Tivoli while in Copenhagen, apparently the oldest funfair in Europe. I might even take a ride. Maybe. This largely depends on my blood-alcohol levels and the odds of me decorating the folk below, with what I have for lunch that day.

My watertight planification, does not allow for spontaneous deviations, that are so apt to happen amongst the little people. Say, for example, innumerable toilet breaks/I want ice-cream in freezing January tantrums/candyfloss-fuelled-sugar-high-run-offs into traffic/distraction detours into invertebrate houses to touch crawly things/inexplicable tears (those are mine, caused by the arachnids).

I honestly applaud mothers everywhere, for having unfathomable patience in managing to get their broods from A——B successfully, and living to tell the tale. There’s barely enough room in my case, or my wallet or my itinery for one of me, let alone a pride.

Travelling extremely light and efficiently is definitely a forte (along with drinking gin, shenanigarising, wearing heels, amongst other things), and that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #47.

Travel tips for PANKS

January 22, 2016 by annepank

swoon

BOOM! Copenhagen booked for March…… largely in part to escape from the fact that I will have just become five years away from the big 5 – 0. Freakin’ out, freakin‘ out, freakin‘ out….. (I foresee this is the way it will be every five years from now until, well, until infinity.) But also to see a little bit of a new country, a city I’ve never visited before, and hang out with the ex.

I’ve decided this year will be the year of trip-ettes, bobbing around and skipping here and there to see some new places and make the most of being able to do just that. Time is speeding on, more and more rapidly as I get older, so I want to make the most of my freedom, while everything still works well. Both physically and spiritually.

So, what essentials does a PANK need to know/do, in order to travel?? What pearls of awesome wisdom can I bestow? <Out of corner of mouth, behind hand conspiratorially> “As an aside, although I am offering certain nuggets of advice, my advice would be, never take advice from me!”

Pre-holiday, it is essential to decide where it is you want to go. Or not. One of the beauties of PANKness is that you can indeed have little or no idea, of your destination, until the very last minute, if you so wish. Great! For me, forward planning largely consists of booking to leave as close to pay day as possible, so I can drain my account and worry about it later. Read: eat beans for the remaining weeks after said trip, until pay day arrives again.

My teeny tiny case

Pack light. Some scoff at my epic organisational skills, but where travelling is concerned, I am queen. With a capital Q for ‘quite obsessive’. Yes – my case might be out and open for the entire week before the getaway, yes – my clothes might be arranged in neat little daily piles of day/evening, yes – my documents might be already snugly tucked away, in a space saving, multi purpose travel wallet, but you know what? This attention to detail allows me to travel anywhere with a suitcase the size of a slightly larger than normal postage stamp. You’re through security, you’re in the queue, you’re through the gates and up the steps, with not so much as a sideways glance from any of the weight/dimension police. In your seat and flicking through the in-flight magazine before the flustered rabble have realised what’s happening.

Talking of planning, er hermmm, do some research and make some notes of where you want to visit while away. You’ve only got about forty-eight hours to cram as much as possible, so short list and smash that city! I’m looking for any art exhibitions or special events that might be happening during my stay. Also, a chi chi bar for Saturday night cocktails. Natch. And, I doooo like a little guide, with a ‘handy phrases’ section. Use it, the locals love that you’ve made the effort.

Have a little drink in the airport bar on the way there, have one on the plane, when you land and continue pretty much in the same vein for the entire time you’re away. And one to commiserate the end of your trip on the aeroplane home. You are on your hols after all. It’s the only way. There’s nothing I like more than to be walking around somewhere new and exciting, guidebook in hand (see above), spot a cute little bar or cafe and take a pit-stop. You can punctuate entire days this way, and not be adversely affected, but float through a day quite, pleasantly fuzzy. And what’s not to love about people-watching and observing life drifting by in foreign lands? Quite frankly; nothing.

Pack contraception. Well…….. you just never know. (it’s just being a responsible, single, childless adult PANK after all).

Travel safe and ENJOY.
N.B. If you’re a nervous traveller, you could always pack a safe journey talisman, but for me, it would be a huge inconvenience because it would completely throw my entire packing system out!

How did we ever survive without the Kardashians?

January 14, 2016 by annepank

After the enlightening SIX-MINUTE instructional from Kourtney Kardashian this week, on a ‘life-changing’ method of eating a Kit Kat, (and really thank God, I’d been avoiding those fingery little devils like the plague, because I just wasn’t sure), I took a little step back in order to reflect. I mean, for the most part, my entire everyday life is governed by all the wisdoms that have been imparted by the K-Klones, over the other side of the pond. Either by the actual words coming out of their perfect, sometimes artificially-inflated (allegedly) mouths and also, by just looking at them with my eyes. Because let’s face it, we can hardly avoid seeing them when our eyes are open (and probably when they’re shut) so deeply ingrained are they in our 21st century culture-saturated brains. Even dedicated and respected ‘news’ channels report their various doings and beings.

Aspirational life-goals

I for one, am eternally grateful for their existence because my ‘being-a-normal-human’ skills were definitely lacking. Thanks to them baby-stepping us through the minefield that is real life, we are no longer that writhing, useless mass of flailing limbs and actual working brains. Thank all the gods.

I mean look, before the KK there were many things we spent our days worrying about, like our slightly larger than required bottoms. Until…. BOOM! Kim appeared greased up like she was about to mount a pole and start wrestling an equally slimy opponent; simultaneously grinned inanely, gripped a champagne bottle AND balanced a glass on her very oily arse (no mean feat). Now we could all embrace the junk in our trunk (and even start worrying about adding a little extra luggage, because now it’s not quite big enough). Blow that bad boy up, as big as it’ll go!! We can also be happy that our skin folds when we bend limbs, because before, we considered skin in hip creases so ugly, we didn’t leave the house and we for sure never went to the beach. Phew! I’m so grateful the Kardashians made skin finally acceptable. And this skin crease has even got its own special name, ‘thighbrow‘. SsOoo clever! <excitedly claps hands like the seal that got the fish>

Before the magic happened

We have, of course, also learnt that magic actually exists from this family of respected witches, and that if we really wish hard enough; we can change the way we look. It’s amazing! Just look at the photos of them a few years back and you can clearly see the results of simple hope and lemon water. They are the very collective epitome of the power of the mind. All you need to do is focus hard and in no way, shape or form pay an army of surgeons – and you can achieve your physical goals. Good times.

For the most part I have also been deluding myself all this time, to be honest we’ve all been deluding ourselves, thinking we needed to possess actual intelligence, skills and do work (like in real jobs) to survive in this life. When all we had to do was, wish our faces different, talk sh*t and take thousands of selfies. That’s how you make a living guys! What the hell were you thinking, beasting yourselves to put a roof over your heads? Tsk tsk. Stupid. The lot of us….

As for a happy home life, the secret is to all live together forever. And if not, at the very least spend every waking moment in each other’s company, so you can know all the business of all of you, all the time. It’s totally healthy. Last and by no means least, let’s look to them for romantic advice. Their method? Well, that’s dead simple – just keep getting married and divorced until you find your perfect partner. Or marry Kanye West.

So, to come back to my original point, about KitKats, Kourtney has finally helped us overcome all the earthly problems of chocolate. Without this, I know I for one, would be lying in a gutter somewhere, all normal bum and hip skin-hating, without my entire family looking on; wafer crumbs in every orifice and smeared from head to toe in the brown stuff.

So I say this, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you Kardashians, I’d be nothing without you.

Being a single non-mum ain’t all doom and gloom

January 13, 2016 by annepank

….. in fact, it isn’t at all! (Well apart from the usual grown-up angst about where you can recuperate the money you spent on a new bag, to pay the leccy bill. But you don’t have to be a PANK to worry about that shiz.) Por ejemplo, ¡mira! I think it’s always nice to get a little jaunt booking under your belt, in the early part of the year, to give ourselves something to look forward to in the gloomy days that lurk after the emotional high of the December holidays. Don’t you agree?

So, a big fat hurrah to me. Who’s just booked to go to Amsterdam, for only the second time in my life, in the latter part of February? Annie P, that’s who! <solo Mexican wave> A flying weekend visit this time, meeting a friend from London there and enjoying a little taste of what the Dutch capital has to offer. ‘Coffee shop’ anyone? <insert winky face here> Or something. Personally, I wouldn’t know…… errr hhermm.

I’m also waiting for a call to confirm that I can travel to Copenhagen in March to stay with an ex who owes me one, to infinity! That boy’s got a lifetime of payback to cough up, bless him. (a much better friend than boyfriend). And inevitably there will be a sojourn to Paris at some point over the summer months, and I hope a couple more trip-ettes here and there. I’m still holding out for the romantic one to Venice too, but I suspect that this will be a looooong way off, if in fact I don’t actually end up going with my cousin, with whom I have an agreement. If neither of us has been there before we turn fifty, we’re going to go together. Not so romantic, but all kinds of fun.

The beauty of being able to pick up and take off whenever and however you want, is one of the benefits of being on your tod. For you non-British readers out there, this means, ‘alone‘. And as an expert of doing most things ‘on me tod’, as they say oop norf, here is a smattering of things that are possible, which make being a PANK awesome.

as above, TRAVELLING
Pack a small bag, book a 20€ flight, find a ridiculously reasonable AirBnB and voila! You’re off. No waiting for the school holidays, when the prices are hiked ten fold, no worry about entertainment for the under 18s, no worry about your own entertainment. Late nights-check, lie-ins-check. casual, wine-punctuated city strolls-check. It’s all good.

Baby speak da troof

SLEEPING
If you want to avoid being stabbed, let me sleep. I love to sleep as much as my noisy neighbourhood will allow me to and very much enjoy not having an alarm at the weekend; analogue, digital or physical. Come Saturday morning there are no little people knocking the door, bundling in, jumping on, quietly destroying the kitchen like tiny stealth destruction ninjas, redecorating the lounge walls with the Spring/Summer range from Crayola, killing the cat/the dog/each other. Bliss.

SPONTANEOUS SHOPPING
With no particular thing in mind, strolling around minding your own business, mysteriously drawn to a beautiful new pair of boots. You drift in to the shop, hazily try on the footwear as if having an out of body experience. You arrive home with a shopping bag, you have no real recollection of picking up. Regaling tales in the pub to your friends, about that time you were on the ceiling, watching yourself at the cash till. No worrying about how to pay after school club or afford all the kale and quinoa for Jamie’s Everyday Super Food’s dinners to feed the family next week. Flying solo means you can supplement your purchase, by eating noodles/baked beans for two weeks. Totally guilt-free and without fear of social services intervening!!

THE ALL-DAY ‘BRUNCH’
Now, those of you who know me, know that I need no particular excuse to start drinking in the morning at the weekend. What’s not to love about a cheeky little mimosa? Or a chilled glass of pure unadulterated champers to compliment your eggs benedict or pancake stack? Bloody Mary anyone? And don’t be giving me none of your virgin cr*p, neither. What’s also not to love about finally rolling home, at about 8pm, having had so much fun at brunch, that it turned into lunch and then tea; and all the shenanigans ensued. Having sat down to tuck in at 10.30 of the a.m….

OWNING ALL THE POINTY THINGS
My flat has got so many corners, and sharp things (the latter being mostly to groom my eyelashes and brows. Oh yeah, and for food preparation. But not noodles/baked beans – see above). There are all manner of things to bump into, collect bruises from, graze/scratch yourself on and things that may fall on you from a decent height.
And don’t forget dangerous tripping cables, that could send you hurtling to the hard tiled floor – at best, over the balcony – at worst. There isn’t a day that goes by, where I don’t growly,

bump/graze/balcony fall remedy (and wine)

mumble shout, “You m*?!@@f*ck&%g c*?!t!!!” But the silver lining here, is that I don’t have to worry about those things happening to other people. Therefore I don’t need to tend to them – at best, rush them to hospital for emergency surgery – at worst. I can just encounter the pointy things, pour myself a glass of wine (but not in January, natch), and watch Poldark or the Musketeers or something, feel a little sorry for myself for a brief moment and then the moment has passed when I see this —->

So you see, being on your own, isn’t so bad after all, as long as you don’t sit in your house dwelling on the fact that you are on your own. Learn to live with and love your own company, and fill your time full of travel, art, friends and family, hobbies, books (hot television men in breeches)…..and alcohol.

But that last one only from the 1st February onwards, obviously.

Hi there 2016, what have you got for us?

January 8, 2016 by annepank

So, we’re a week into 2016 already, and it feels like any other year, right?

WRONG!

This is the year that our collective brain is highly likely to melt out of our ears, creating something that closely resembles the primordial soup from which we came. How do I know this?

Drummond Puddle Watch

What a time to be alive! At least in 2015, we had the common decency to wait until the middle of February to openly shout about our universal boredom, with the global debate about The Dress. What next? We get post Christmas boredom before it even happens? I think we may all be morphing into hipsters. “Oh, I’m so over boredom, it’s so, you know, last year’s boring.” *yaawwnn.

Madonna-butt

After the tearful farewell of OD in 2015, the boys will as promised, pursue solo projects. It seems that Zayn Malik may have been the wisest of all of One Directions, by implementing his watertight exit strategy in the last month. That being….. getting into a relationship with a Victoria’s Secret model. And, hot off the press, news is coming in that Madonna has put a substantial bid on Harry Styles. Rumour has it, if she wins the auction, she will employ him to head up her new charity, ‘Cape-Free World’, which she will focus on this year. There will be a fundraising concert in Hyde Park in the summer, but it will be strongly opposed by all comic book fans, as Superman et al, will be required to find alternative superhero garments and Zorro will go into retirement as a result of new ‘no-cape’ legislation. There is no news coming in, from any press about the other band members. At some point this year, Madonna will flash her bum. Natch.

There are also interesting times ahead methinks, in the world of politics too….

It’s all about to kick off in the States, as the 2016 presidential election campaign trail goes full throttle, with the elections scheduled for November. Imagine approaching Christmas 2016 knowing that the king of the racists, Donald Trump, is leader of the free world. With his hand hovering perilously over the red button, he’ll be hollering down the Batphone, “I said, get them damn walls up all around Ay-mer-iCA!!! PRONTO!” – slams phone down (oh wait, that’s Spanish isn’t it, and I hate Spanish-speaking people) – picks up phone again, hollers “Scratch that sh*t, I mean an all-American DOUBLE QUICK TIME!!” – slam –

But, that won’t happen, because the USA will realise at the last minute that Donald Trump is an Oompah Loompah, and by virtue of that, bright orange. And in being a different colour from them, the population will develop a suspicion of this orange person and from a deep-seated fear of anyone who isn’t white, decide against voting for him. They also, by the same score, won’t vote for a woman. Sorry Hillary, I wish it weren’t the case, but I’m afraid it might be.

Because. Well, because: vagina.

They ain’t nowhere ready for that sh*t yet. JeezUS, are you crazy?? I put money on the good people of America, voting for the Kentucky Fried Colonel. Because we all love fried chicken, and it’s a name you can trust. All he needs to do is grow a white goatee, and it’s in the bag.

Donald Trump will retire from politics and being a gazillionaire, wash his face, stop perving over his own daughter and go live in a cave for a while. His hair will point at him, shout, “you’re fired!”, hop off, hire a publicist and publish a memoir entitled: The Nagging Pain in my Butt – My life with Trump.

Talking of presidential candidates, Kanye West (who has declared his interest in running for 2020. And I have every faith that he actually, really will), won’t divorce Kim Kardashian and marry himself, as some have predicted. No, no, no. He’ll apply to the world-renowned faculty of politics at Harvard, be accepted and get really, really good at all the political stuff (and also, speaking in complete well-constructed sentences), and this will make him a very genuine contender. Like George W. Bush, Felipe Calderon Hinojosa, Al Gore, John F Kennedy and Barack Obama amongst many other successful politicians before him, he will go down in the history books for something other that being a total c*ckwomble. (But, honestly, probably being a c*ckwomble too. That stuff cannot be unremembered).

I AM sad, but remain the prettiest person you’ve ever seen with your eyes….

Sadly, I think that Cheryl CanYouHearTheDrumsFernando – Vaseline, the UK’s sweetheart, will part ways with husband number two and the country will mourn with her, as she will be the only woman ever in the history of the world to go through two divorces. And as such, her pain will be the worst pain ever experienced, Pet. Also in the history of the world. There will be another instalment of her memoirs, an eternal stream in the press of ‘poor Chezza’ looking thin, looking sad, looking thin and sad, and another Piers Morgan interview. Or something. Sad times.

But while we will all feel terribly, terribly bad, (and we will be forced to), we will also feel really, really happy about the getting-togethers and weddings. Good times!! Firstly, watch out for the Chris Gayle and Mel Mclaughlin coupling – whoever saw that coming – and Simon Cowell and Nick Grimshaw. Taylor Swift will propose to Calvin Harris on leap day, and there will be surprise and delight when the sweethearts of the WHOLE WORLD, Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence make their first public appearance together during awards season. And then there’s little ol’ *me, who will meet, fall in love, move in with either, this guy: