Reasons why I don’t have kids #21

I would probably have to be a REAL grown-up and not just fake it twice a year when the opportunity arose/I have the place to myself.  Honestly, I’m not entirely sure I’m well-enough equipped for this, I think it would be fair to say, that I can barely take care of myself.

Being adult is a lot of stress and responsibility for one person to handle, throw a couple of little people into the equation and it would be chaos. For me.  You are also  required to possess a certain skill set, which I feel totally uncomfortable with:

forward thinking

forward planning

asssurances and guarantees

providing certainty for others in your sphere

The desire to forward think and plan, find assurances and guarantees and a provide certainty for others in your sphere. (All the normal things grown-ups should be thinking about).


How can I do that when I don’t even know what the next hour will hold, let alone the next month/year/five/ten years?  I don’t even want a goldfish because the responsibility scares me too much.  (And I was also devastated  and scarred by the loss of Formby, my trusty goldfish of five years I rescued from a fair.  In a village called Formby.)  If I’m not prepared to take my goldfish along for the ride, I most definitely couldn’t up sticks in the blink of an eye and drag my offspring around the place on a whim.

And I definitely couldn’t have them staying in verminy hovels waiting for mummy to get her shit together.  And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #21.






Reasons why I don’t have kids #20

I would periodically feed them lumps of cheese, for one of the following reasons:

  • For educational purposes.  You see, I think it’s a little ‘exotic’ – ssoooooo Italian/French/Swiss, so I am in actual fact, expanding their minds.
  • I am brassic and it’s all I can afford
  • I am lazy
  • (A combination of the two immediately above)


Lumps of cheese have never been and will never be considered, a healthy balanced diet for children.  So that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #20.


*Also,I am cheese dependent.  There, I said it.  Maybe it’s hereditary…….. I really don’t want to take the risk .

Reasons why I don’t have kids #19

They would spend four or five weeks of every year terrified of their grotesque, hayfever misshapen mother, who also happens to be very grumpy at this time.

(And the rest of the year scared of her for other reasons including days when she was in a ‘very bad mood for no reason’, time of the month when she cries uncontrollably for many happy/sad/furious reasons, gin hangovers – when she looks like she is minutes from death – and random occasions in between all of those).

So basically, my kids wouldn’t be scared of me, approximately 13 minutes a year and that is my reasons why I don’t have kids #19.

P.S.  Can’t quite believe I haven’t tagged anything with ‘periods’ until now…… didn’t come up in the menu.  Huh.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #17

Spoilt? Moi?

Spoilt? Moi?

Because, this madame would have been greeted by her bags on the doorstep and sent packing to the house of John Inglesino, who represented her in court and is the father of her best friend.

Maybe not the best example of teenage parenting………. I concede.


Reasons why I don’t have kids #15

I have a really, very unhealthy obsession with men dressed as pirates, which goes so far as to me casually dropping into conversation with one of my students, a professional who recently held a fancy dress party for his partner’s birthday, to next time please theme it as pirates to ensure my attendance.  And also, upon seeing my ex dressed as a pirate for his Christmas office party last year, requesting that he bring said costume along to Barcelona next  time he happens to be popping over for a little visit…….

If I had kids, it would be absolutely impossible for me to ever take them to a theme park where there is a pirate ride (more or less ALL amusement parks), without a) being over excited b) getting dressed up c) arriving, all heaving bosoms and laced corset d) hoping to be swashed, buckled and e) expecting at the very least to be hoisted with the main sail.

Not in the slightest bit appropriate behaviour for a mummy, cap’n, and make no mistake and that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #15.

*Johnny Depp (dressed as Captain Jack), if you’re reading this, call me.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #14

I am not very good when I am ill with *little things, like my ‘front head (otherwise known as my face) cold syndrome’.  I soldier on and go to work (mainly because I am freelance and have to because I don’t get paid if I don’t), am a martyr to the cause and like to go to bed, a LOT, with honey and lemon, a hot water bottle and sometimes a slice of pizza.  I’d prefer chicken soup, and it has to be a bowl of steaming Knorr… (childhood memories), but it doesn’t taste the same when you have to boil the kettle yourself.

I don’t really like to see people or speak to people (more than normal) or for people to see me with my John Merrick eyes and red nose.  I’m British, of course I have high colouration in the cold, the hot, the wind, the rain and when I am sick and have to wipe it a lot.  OK?

Absolutely no room for little people in that scenario.  Unless they are capable of constructing soup from a packet and bringing it to mummy.  Remember, no daddy in this story, more on that later.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #14

NB. Writing from my sick-bed.

*If  I’ve got something serious like pneumonia, I don’t even go to hospital.  Go figure.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #12

I’m often smacked off my t*ts on Haribo. And when I’m smacked off my t*ts on Haribo I am out of CONTROL, man.  I can’t control my limbs, I see sparks, I can’t control my tongue, I’m unpredictable.

I would fight my children for Haribo.  I would fight other people’s children for Haribo.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #12

(Whatever you do, do NOT let me near the party)

Reasons why I don’t have kids #11

Because I am Lady Jesus and just look at what happened the first time I was around, walking the Earth and doing goodness to and for all.  Anyone connected to me was doubted, chased, persecuted, whipped, killed etc. etc.  I could go on….. terrible times.  I feel really bad about it.

Now, knowing what it’s like to be a child of a supreme being (love you Dad God), I could not bring children into the world with the burden of Lady Jesus for a mum.  My conscience couldn’t allow it.  If I did, they would go to school and say, ‘my mum is Jesus’, and the teachers would phone me to come to school to discuss little Johnny’s ‘issues’.  There would be all kinds of problems with the other kids, their parents wouldn’t want their children to mix with mine, for fear they would develop an inferiority complex.  Maybe my kids would think that I could use my Jesus-ness and brain magic to get them the most up-to-date iPhone/scooter/ponies/house in the Alps for skiing/Kim Kardashian – delete as appropriate, and I wouldn’t want to bow to pressure and produce spoilt brats (and share my house with KK).  Finally the authorities would have to invent some kind of new religious witness protection programme and my children would be spirited away….. yep, I said ‘spirited’.

For their own protection, the authorities might think that the children would need complete disassociation from Lady Jesus mum, for fear of religion connected reprisals, and place them somewhere on completely the other end of the scale, say for example with a devil worshipping cult in a cave in Transylvania (or somewhere similar).  All of this would create terrible confusion and inner conflict, nature (Lady Jesus) vs nurture (devil worshipping cult).  As a result they would probably end up in therapy for the rest of their lives discussing the angel and devil on their shoulders.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #11.