Reasons why I don’t have kids #15

I have a really, very unhealthy obsession with men dressed as pirates, which goes so far as to me casually dropping into conversation with one of my students, a professional who recently held a fancy dress party for his partner’s birthday, to next time please theme it as pirates to ensure my attendance.  And also, upon seeing my ex dressed as a pirate for his Christmas office party last year, requesting that he bring said costume along to Barcelona next  time he happens to be popping over for a little visit…….

If I had kids, it would be absolutely impossible for me to ever take them to a theme park where there is a pirate ride (more or less ALL amusement parks), without a) being over excited b) getting dressed up c) arriving, all heaving bosoms and laced corset d) hoping to be swashed, buckled and e) expecting at the very least to be hoisted with the main sail.

Not in the slightest bit appropriate behaviour for a mummy, cap’n, and make no mistake and that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #15.

*Johnny Depp (dressed as Captain Jack), if you’re reading this, call me.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #14

I am not very good when I am ill with *little things, like my ‘front head (otherwise known as my face) cold syndrome’.  I soldier on and go to work (mainly because I am freelance and have to because I don’t get paid if I don’t), am a martyr to the cause and like to go to bed, a LOT, with honey and lemon, a hot water bottle and sometimes a slice of pizza.  I’d prefer chicken soup, and it has to be a bowl of steaming Knorr… (childhood memories), but it doesn’t taste the same when you have to boil the kettle yourself.

I don’t really like to see people or speak to people (more than normal) or for people to see me with my John Merrick eyes and red nose.  I’m British, of course I have high colouration in the cold, the hot, the wind, the rain and when I am sick and have to wipe it a lot.  OK?

Absolutely no room for little people in that scenario.  Unless they are capable of constructing soup from a packet and bringing it to mummy.  Remember, no daddy in this story, more on that later.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #14

NB. Writing from my sick-bed.

*If  I’ve got something serious like pneumonia, I don’t even go to hospital.  Go figure.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #12

I’m often smacked off my t*ts on Haribo. And when I’m smacked off my t*ts on Haribo I am out of CONTROL, man.  I can’t control my limbs, I see sparks, I can’t control my tongue, I’m unpredictable.

I would fight my children for Haribo.  I would fight other people’s children for Haribo.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #12

(Whatever you do, do NOT let me near the party)

Reasons why I don’t have kids #11

Because I am Lady Jesus and just look at what happened the first time I was around, walking the Earth and doing goodness to and for all.  Anyone connected to me was doubted, chased, persecuted, whipped, killed etc. etc.  I could go on….. terrible times.  I feel really bad about it.

Now, knowing what it’s like to be a child of a supreme being (love you Dad God), I could not bring children into the world with the burden of Lady Jesus for a mum.  My conscience couldn’t allow it.  If I did, they would go to school and say, ‘my mum is Jesus’, and the teachers would phone me to come to school to discuss little Johnny’s ‘issues’.  There would be all kinds of problems with the other kids, their parents wouldn’t want their children to mix with mine, for fear they would develop an inferiority complex.  Maybe my kids would think that I could use my Jesus-ness and brain magic to get them the most up-to-date iPhone/scooter/ponies/house in the Alps for skiing/Kim Kardashian – delete as appropriate, and I wouldn’t want to bow to pressure and produce spoilt brats (and share my house with KK).  Finally the authorities would have to invent some kind of new religious witness protection programme and my children would be spirited away….. yep, I said ‘spirited’.

For their own protection, the authorities might think that the children would need complete disassociation from Lady Jesus mum, for fear of religion connected reprisals, and place them somewhere on completely the other end of the scale, say for example with a devil worshipping cult in a cave in Transylvania (or somewhere similar).  All of this would create terrible confusion and inner conflict, nature (Lady Jesus) vs nurture (devil worshipping cult).  As a result they would probably end up in therapy for the rest of their lives discussing the angel and devil on their shoulders.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #11.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #10

I never met a man I looked at and thought “I have such a huge, aching love for you inside me that the only way possible to illustrate the strength of that is to have your baby.  I want your baby, I love you that much.” Which is kind of how I imagined you would know you were supposed to have kids.

And that is my ‘Reasons why I don’t have kids’ #10.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #9

I would teach them to say thank you to the Gods of everything, every day.  For example the Gods of Sudocrem, fishfingers and beans, the Gods of colouring pencils, wellie boots and Ladybird books.

Because of this, they would be called weirdos by their classmates and probably get bullied a bit.  Which, speaking from experience, isn’t very nice at all, and so this is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #9.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #13

I would be the worst kind of embarrassing parent. You see, I sometimes have to fight an overwhelming urge to lick beautiful arms attached to male humans.  I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. No?  Just me then.

I’ve only actually done it on two occasions.  Both involved a cocktail, a dare and a post-lick winning smile.

Well, I say ‘winning’, one went well, the other, not so much……

So now, imagine if one of the male humans attached to the arm I decided to lick, happened to be a hot papa at the school gates?  My kids would have to leave that school immediately due to chronic embarrassment and would probably divorce me, in the style of a Hollywood child star.  And I wouldn’t want to be divorced TWICE.

And that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #13.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #8

On the whole I like to think that I am a nice, positive, amiable person.  But it is true that, on occasion I am not and am instead in a very, VERY bad mood for NO. GOOD. REASON.  Like today for example.

And when I am in said very, VERY bad mood for NO. GOOD. REASON I like to pretty much ignore the entirety of the human race.  (More for their safety and wellbeing than mine), and because they mostly annoy the freaking sh*t out of me – also, for no good reason apart from me being in a very, VERY bad mood for NO. GOOD. REASON – and so for everyone involved, it is best that I pretend none of them exist.

Now, if I had children, I would not be able to revel in the very, VERY bad mood for NO. GOOD. REASON and wallow in self-pity for several hours of the day, because children demand time and attention and if mummy was fuming, this would not be good and probably I would be raising them alone, (and that my friends, is a WHOLE other post),and so could not send them to bother their father while I stewed.

They would inevitably also ask, “but Mummy, why are you in such a very, VERY bad mood for NO. GOOD. REASON?” and I would say, “No reason”, and genuinely mean that and then that would confuse them and they would wander around the house aimlessly scratching their innocent little heads and wondering why I was in a very, VERY bad mood for NO. GOOD. REASON.  They would probably also assume they had been bad and it was their fault and then they would carry that with them for ever and have to see a shrink when they grew up to talk about their feelings of guilt and responsibility.

So, not wanting to burden my children with a lifetime of guilt and shrink bills is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #8.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #7

Because I would tell my daughters they were beautiful all the time and they would say, ‘but Muuuuum we’re not, we need the boob deodorant and we just want a lettuce leaf for tea.’ And I would make them meat and two veg. I would also ban all gossip magazines and television from my home and my daughters would hate me for it and run away to a place they could freely see Kim Kardashian (that was actually in the predictive text), spouting about her post baby workout (Lipo) and look at the ‘circles of shame’ around post-gym sweaty pits and cellulite.

And for this reason I would be a terrible mother to daughters and that is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #7.

Reasons why I don’t have kids #6

Because Mums know everything and are always right.  FACT.  See my ‘Things I learnt in 2013’

And I don’t and I am not.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.

I sometimes misjudge the simple things, like what time I need to leave the house to get to work on time.  When I say sometimes, read always.  I take too much time to think about the little things (what shoes should I wear with these jeans) ah, sh*t, now I’m going to be uncomfortable all day.  Pizza or pasta, a fifty percent chance of getting it right.  “Goddam it, I wanted tortellini FFS“.

I do not know how to say, ‘if only I’d known he was an *rseh*le’ in Spanish. Important. I was not right about the name of the royal baby, I put a bet on Mason Tyler Leroy Alexander.  I was not right about Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis staying together forever.  Heartbreaking turn of events Johnny, heartbreaking.  I do not know how to climb trees or how to keep plants (OR guinea pigs) alive. I was wrong to think that Kanye West was in fact the second coming, and it turns out he’s just a plain old w*nker who is disillusioned enough to believe that’s the case*.  I was incorrect to think the BBC would come to their senses this year and finally put Sir Bruce Forsyth out to pasture, to live out his days basking in the (limited) sunshine and chewing on hay.  And I was wrong about the weather today.  I was freezing.

So, you see, I couldn’t be a mum because on the application form for mum-dom there is a box that asks you:

‘Do you know everything and always make right decisions because this is imperative to the wellbeing of your child/children?’ and my answer would be no.  Because I’m at the very least, an honest person.

So, my inability to know everything and always be right is my ‘reasons why I don’t have kids’ #6

*Please stop talking Mister West.