Sometimes, I get a massage from a student!! Well, today was the first time, but hey, who’s counting??
I have had the most excrutiating pain in my right shoulder blade and collar bone and right down my right arm for three days, which has kept me awake and made me just the tiniest bit (foul mood) grumpy.
I arrived for class with one of my students, who’s a doctor. Voila! Pop up on the bed, anatomy vocabulary class!!!
A good day’s work I’d say.
Thank you for visiting and looking.
Much love
Anne
Xxx
(Geordie accent here.)
Day 15 in the Dry January house.
*Anne is in the bedroom.
10:00 am. Anne has been reflecting on the night before. “Ah man, I could have well done a cheeky little cava at tango last night.”
10:06 am. Anne is still in the bedroom, still reflecting on the night before. “I really could have gone a cava last night.”
10:12 am. Anne is lying on the bed thinking about cava.
10:15 am. Anne is in the bathroom looking at her skin in the mirror, from the right.
“I think I might actually be spottier.”
10:19 am. Anne is still looking at her skin in the mirror, from the left. She is shaking her head.
10:43 am. Anne is in the bedroom, standing by the wardrobe thinking about cava.
10:47 am. Anne is looking at her ar*e in the mirror. She is shaking her head and thinking about cava.
11:00 am. Anne is in the shower, in the bathroom. She is washing her hair, imagining she is Mariah Carey, washing it in Cristal champagne.
11:30 am. Anne is in the bedroom imagining being so rich that she can also dab Cristal behind her ears, in the crook of her elbow and behind her knees after bathing, because that’s what Mariah Carey would probably do. Anne says to herself that she thinks this would smell bad.
11:45 am. Anne is in the kitchen, standing quietly in front of the open fridge door, looking at the bottle of cava that is there.
11:47 am. Anne decides to update her blog and returns to the bedroom.
11:49 am. Anne starts writing about thinking about cava……..
You are never too old to wear sequins.
I like to try and wear at least some at most all opportunities. To tango, obviously, this is a given and LOTS on special occasions, like dancey people’s birthdays. And Sundays. It’s like my own, private Strictly Come Dancing (inside my head). To the supermarket, to work sometimes, just walking along in the street looking at stuff while avoiding tripping over ridiculously long extendable dog leads with dogs still attached and even when simply relaxing at home with a can of my new, favourite 0,0 alcohol beer and completely f**k*d- up laptop with my feet up.
Sequins – they just give you that edge.
None more so than an inability to express oneself as effectively as one would like.
My girlfriends and I have been lamenting the lack of rude emoticons on whatsapp. (You know who you are, Mrs L, LS!) Sometimes you just wanna send each other a comedy picture of a cartoony penis. You know? *sigh**** Is that too much to ask Whatsapp? It’s VERY frustrating.
A half-peeled banana isn’t quite cutting it…… OR a big purple aubergine. Is it ladies???
And my giant bone hurled square in my chops, with enough force to take a Polar bear* out, this week is a very valuable life lesson:
READ ENCLOSED INFORMATION WHEN YOU GET NEW STUFF!!
Because, funnily enough, most of the answers and solutions are in there, for later down the line when say, your laptop implodes, taking you and all your hard work with it. I say hard work, just work. Also, there may have been a lot of series catch-up, online shopping, film watching and the tiniest, weeniest amount of inappropriate viewing going on.
(this ‘READ THE BLOODY INFORMATION!!‘ rule also applies to cameras, TVs, DVDs and in fact any home entertainment device, cars, iPods, mopeds, telephones/mobiles, bread-makers, work contracts, marriage vows-very important, Nespresso machines and Ryanair hand luggage restrictions)
p.s. my mobile is also on the blink.
p.p.s. I didn’t READ THE BLOODY INFORMATION!!
*polar bear reference random, but was biggest, strongest animal I could think of………
that on the six(teen)th hour of the sixth day of the sixth month (after the break up) the ex, who we will refer to here as TT -Twinkle Toes/Temper Tantrum/Silly T*t – artistic license – hath finally seen the error of his fool-hardy ways. They being unceremoniously dumping me by email in July of last year and replacing me swiftly with a younger, taller, slimmer model. When I say swiftly, I really do mean S.W.I.F.T.L.Y. Clocked within three days, hooked up within two weeks. When I say younger, maybe a year. When I say slimmer, weeeel, meh. Ok, she’s taller than me, that’s it. But anyway, pride dented? I’ll say. But now, as Mrs L put it, I’m being wooed, wooed good and proper. Get me, I live at Downton Abbey.
Gratefully received
Messages were exchanged over Christmas, apologies were uttered and ‘te quieros’ written…. I took receipt of a dazzling pair of tango shoes on my return to BCN, lunch followed and this week a delivery of red roses……
I have to shamelessly admit, I’m really rather enjoying the wooing process!! (read, gifts), it’s a first. We’re friends, that’s good (I explained before, I’m always pretty laid-back about these things, life’s too short), but I am impishly intrigued to see what happens next……. I give it 10 more days before boredom sets in, as no resolution is in sight and all woo-age stops as abruptly as it started – shortly after the new bird dumped him.
Place your bets.
I wrote ‘blig’…….
I CAN’T BLIG BECAUSE MY LAPTOP IS DYING AND I AM A COMPLETE TECHNOPHOBE AND AM PANIC SAVING EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER MADE/WRITTEN/SAVED ON THIS COMPUTER BEFORE IT CROAKS AND LEAVES ME WITH NONE OF THE HARD WORK OF FIVE YEARS. WHY NOW LAPTOP, WHY NOW?????!!!
(Apart from not being able to blog, I of course have my day job files here too, and THEY are the ones that pay the bills). Again Anne, a little perspective……
My inner dialogue is shocking, even to me, sometimes…… those of a nervous disposition look away now.
Zara, Passeig de Gracia, Saturday 11th January – SALES:
14:45 – “Don’t f**%$!% push, ffs!!”
14:47 – “Put the coat down, I need to see the size, I want it in medium. Put the coat down, put the coat down, put the coat down, put the coat down, put the coat down, put the coat DOWN. Ah F**@, she didn’t put the coat down.”
14:58 – “Ooooohhhh, I forgot my green juice this morning.”
15:12 – “EXCUSE me usually helps you ignorant f&%*!”
15:15 – “Are you F*$#%*& sh**ing ME?!?!?!?!”
15:19 – “?@!%$ !!*^£$$STW**#S**#S**#Don’t f**%$!% Don’t f**%$!% *”?@%$ f**^£*”?@%$ f**^£*”?@%$ C*^£*”?@%$ sh*^£*”?@%$ f**^£*”?@%$ f**^£*”?@%$ f**^£*”?@%$ f**C*^£*”?@%^£*”?@er%$ f**^£*”?@%$ f**^£*”?@%$ f**^Don’t f**%$!% f**^£*”?@%$ f% *”?@%$ f**^£!!!!!!!!”
15:32 – “Must not forget to buy noodles, must not forget to buy noodles, must not forget to buy noodles.”
15:45 – “Jesus CHRIST what is the matter with you?! You f*”?@%$ f**^£$$”
15:51 – “It is quite possible that I will die in this branch of Zara today.”
16:04 – “If you so much as touch those shoes, which I have laid neatly upon the pile of things that are quite clearly mine and obviously not Zara sale items (scrappy five year-old bag, coat from George at bloody Asda, that a Spanish brand is it???? Scuffed and creased boots and a pair of f*!@king thermal socks), while I try something else on, I WILL rip off your face.”
16:17 – “siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhh.”
16:23 – “YES!!” actual fist pump.
16:37 – “Am I still here?”
16:38 – “Are YOU still here?!”
16:39 – “Dear God…….. I’m sorry for all the bad things I have done, love Anne.”
16:51 – “F*#!% this S**# all to Hell!!”
16:59 – “I LOVE my new shoes and ‘Amore‘ jumper. Sqquuueeeeeeeeee!!”
The Secret Diary of Anne Pank 