I never met a man I looked at and thought “I have such a huge, aching love for you inside me that the only way possible to illustrate the strength of that is to have your baby. I want your baby, I love you that much.” Which is kind of how I imagined you would know you were […]
I would teach them to say thank you to the Gods of everything, every day. For example the Gods of Sudocrem, fishfingers and beans, the Gods of colouring pencils, wellie boots and Ladybird books. Because of this, they would be called weirdos by their classmates and probably get bullied a bit. Which, speaking from experience, […]
Because I would tell my daughters they were beautiful all the time and they would say, ‘but Muuuuum we’re not, we need the boob deodorant and we just want a lettuce leaf for tea.’ And I would make them meat and two veg. I would also ban all gossip magazines and television from my home […]
Because Mums know everything and are always right. FACT. See my ‘Things I learnt in 2013’… And I don’t and I am not. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I sometimes misjudge the simple things, like what time I need to leave the house to get to work on time. When I say sometimes, […]
I spend a lot of time gazing at newly purchased, beautiful shoes. I also put them on and take them off repeatedly, I walk around in them a bit, just to check they are still as beautiful and sexy on, as they are off. Usually, thankfully, they are. Now, if I had children I would […]
My life has been, periodically, like a telenovela. **sigh*
Wrap it up, wrap it up <does that choppy neck gesture thing>. It’s time. Does anyone know how to end things well? Drop me a line. I’m never very good with goodbyes. It feels right to end things here as the last two years have gifted numerous natural conclusions (except this fucking pandemic, apparently). We […]
From my end of year review 2020 – ‘As the weirdest year in our history (I hope) comes to a close, a tiny glimmer of light can be seen as vaccine programmes are rolled out around the globe. However, I am being cautious with my optimism. I’ve vowed to never say, ‘this is it, this […]
‘Uff, yes, this year has been terrible. Especially for a man like me, who is very sexual.’ In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, ^Big sigh. Huge^. I may be paraphrasing. Yes. Yes, I’m absolutely sure it’s been an awful time for *checks notes* your penis. Just remind me, this is 2020, right? […]
• Marry an EU National. The end . . . . Only joking. About the ‘the end’ bit. Obvs. The marriage bit – notsamuch….. Otherwise this would qualify as the shortest (shittest) post I’ve ever written. This is not up for debate. Nobody seems to be taking me seriously. I’ve been tentatively tabling the idea […]
The Secret Diary of Anne Pank 