Reasons why I don’t have kids #9

I would teach them to say thank you to the Gods of everything, every day.  For example the Gods of Sudocrem, fishfingers and beans, the Gods of colouring pencils, wellie boots and Ladybird books. Because of this, they would be called weirdos by their classmates and probably get bullied a bit.  Which, speaking from experience, […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #13

I would be the worst kind of embarrassing parent. You see, I sometimes have to fight an overwhelming urge to lick beautiful arms attached to male humans.  I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. No?  Just me then. I’ve only actually done it on two occasions.  Both involved a cocktail, a dare and […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #8

On the whole I like to think that I am a nice, positive, amiable person.  But it is true that, on occasion I am not and am instead in a very, VERY bad mood for NO. GOOD. REASON.  Like today for example. And when I am in said very, VERY bad mood for NO. GOOD. […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #7

Because I would tell my daughters they were beautiful all the time and they would say, ‘but Muuuuum we’re not, we need the boob deodorant and we just want a lettuce leaf for tea.’ And I would make them meat and two veg. I would also ban all gossip magazines and television from my home […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #6

Because Mums know everything and are always right.  FACT.  See my ‘Things I learnt in 2013’… And I don’t and I am not.  Not by any stretch of the imagination. I sometimes misjudge the simple things, like what time I need to leave the house to get to work on time.  When I say sometimes, […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #5

I spend a lot of time gazing at newly purchased, beautiful shoes.  I also put them on and take them off repeatedly, I walk around in them a bit, just to check they are still as beautiful and sexy on, as they are off. Usually, thankfully, they are. Now, if I had children I would […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #4

I’m an incredibly talented time waster (see previous post) and children would only serve to cramp this remarkable and rare ability and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.  You see, there is in fact absolutely NO time to waste when you have children; unless you have mastered space/time continuum, have discovered a wormhole which you […]

Reasons why I don’t have kids #2

I can barely get my own sh*t organised. Take for example, yesterday.  My first day back to work.  Understand that I had been on holiday since the 23rd December, I had also had a whole week back in Barcelona before I had my first class, which did not start until 2pm, TWO PM IN THE […]

~ fin ~

Wrap it up, wrap it up <does that choppy neck gesture thing>. It’s time. Does anyone know how to end things well? Drop me a line. I’m never very good with goodbyes. It feels right to end things here as the last two years have gifted numerous natural conclusions (except this fucking pandemic, apparently). We […]